I Want To Live In a Jude Devereaux World

In these times of self-doubt (which btw happens quite often), my last resort would always be to cry out to the universe for a do-over. A la Jude Devereaux's Summerhouse. 

I'll probably go back in time to before uni exams and choose Nursing. I'll keep in mind to study harder than ever and finish with flying colors. Land a job in a local, public hospital then fly off to Canada or Switzerland after 3 yrs. Work my ass off, save enough money, invest my money, take up with a hot Caucasian, join Doctors w/o Borders or some charity. Marry said person after an inordinate amount of time (where I have made sure that he worships the land I walk on), have 2 beautiful kids and live happily ever after. I'll see the ramifications of going down this kind of life and finally choose between my actual life now and that fantasy.

 I wonder which life I will choose.

There is this other optimistic (bordering on stupid) part of me who believes that this phase will pass. That there will come a time when the struggles will all be worth it. I wouldn't feel so small, insecure, defensive, pitiful and desperate any longer. However, I never give myself the opportunity to paint what the good life looks like. Or did I ever have the luxury of time to think about this at all?

It's been going on for so long, all these doubts and ugly things in my head (most of the time in my actual day to day life) that my idea of beautiful and happy are stories of fictional people that I keep in my head. To the point that I empathize (completely, I would like to believe) and I often find myself daydreaming of how these fairytale lives would look and feel like instead of focusing on my own shit. 

Is it because I don't want to deal with the pain and the internal war of confidence and self-doubt in my head? I would want to believe that I faced my fair share of being a warrior too many times for me to be in denial now. Or maybe, I haven't? I don't fucking know and I desperately want to find out how to get past this or if there is even a way out? 

I don't want to compare myself with my contemporaries (even those who came after me) and end up falling short, per my standard and the world's. It's becoming a cycle of feeling good-failing-mediocrity-surviving-good luck that I am getting sick of because of the uncertainties and the helpless feeling of not being in control of my whole life and destiny. 

So, Jude Devereaux, can you help a girl out? Can you include me in The Return to Summerhouse please?

Message in a Bottle

I know you're out there somewhere and we've never met but I'm pretty sure we will, someday.

Looking forward to that day, when I am finally happy and when I finally found myself and my place in the world.

To the day when I am ready to tell you "I love you" without worrying if you'll say it back or if you even feel the same way because I am that secure. And I won't be afraid of hurts that love can give.

When I am finally ready to feel and risk and take. Prepared, for whoever you'll turn out to be. Prepared to be worthy of you as you are of me.

For now, I'll work on my way to "happy". So that I will be radiant when we meet. And you can't help but bask in my happiness, as well.

Blue is my favorite color

One of them introspective Saturdays. The ones where thoughts blindside you at 1 a.m.

What to do?

So I decided to end it. To stop all efforts in trying to attract him. In trying to impress him outside of work. I should learn not to expect anything from him from now on. Not special attention that crosses professional boundaries. No sweet nothings. Nada.

This way, we can continue on with business in a more professional-like manner. We can be more efficient and objective. And we can start becoming friends again. All good reasons. Easy for me to see this but I didn't know that the first few days would be so difficult.

I can't look at him without wavering. And he is always getting on my nerves lately even if he isn't doing anything untoward or inappropriate. Twice today, I lashed out at him in public. And the 2nd time seemed harder for him because he stopped approaching me entirely.

Deep in my heart, I know that I have this reaction because the circumstances are not going according to my plan of avoiding too much contact with him. I was acting like a bitch to push him away so I can forget him completely. But why am I feeling bad now? As if I kicked a poor puppy in the face? Didn't I get what I wanted, distance?

I want to apologize personally. Number 1 because we are still coworkers and I overstepped that boundary. Number 2, because whatever I was going through at the time, he was not aware of any of that. Number 3, because it is really wrong to snap at somebody just because they are trying to take your picture.

What should I do? What is the smart thing to do?

2014!

Resolutions sound ominous to me like it is doomed to remain, well, resolutions. For this year, I am adapting what I admire in my new acquaintances at work's top quality: the ability to plan well and to execute said plans, by hook or by crook. So for this year, I planned and hopefully ( by God's grace), I will be able to carry them out one by one. :)

2014 Plans:

1. Attend a new spiritual group/sect. Not because I don't believe in my current church anymore but because I want to have a better foundation. I admit that I am feeling a bit lost for quite some time now and I am not glorifying my Creator in things I say and do. Therefore, a careful review of where I went wrong and to pray, really hard.

2. Save and spend wisely. To pay off outstanding debts, send my brother off to college, for travelling, for a new phone, for a new adventure.

3. Travel alone. To meet new people, expand my horizons, learn how to deal with strangers, develop my sense of direction and self-confidence.

4. Learn to swim. For better lung function and kick off asthma, lose weight (hopefully) and holistic health.

5. Be a better daughter. And a better friend to people who matter the most.
This surely is a plan that might take more than a year but because of its importance, I can be flexible. I am willing to wait. :)

6. Continue writing, learn a new language and hone my skills at the guitar. Stems from my lack of self-confidence and thinking that I am not interesting enough. I'll stop here with the drama. :P

And lastly, to be more thankful and grateful for everything that I already have. Last year, things went really wrong when I stopped being happy with the things bestowed on me and I started asking for more. When I didn't get enough, things went downhill for me. There's nothing wrong with wanting more, but having the wrong perspective and heart is where it will start to become problematic.

So this year, in good and bad, I will be more thankful. And if God would not want me to have the 1st 6 2014 plans that I've set for myself, I will trust Him to have something way better in store for me.

2013 Christmas Blues

Another bluesy Christmas. And another New Year, Valentine's, birthday to spend with well-meaning family and friends, but otherwise, all alone. I've read up on no-boyfriend-since-birth on blogs again while listening to At Seventeen by Janis Ian, on a Christmas Eve, to boot. All while thinking where I went wrong.

Wallowing in my pity party where all girls with weight issues, girls who are not physically attractive, girls who are funny as defense mechanism, girls who are not smart enough, girls who are not interesting enough are all invited to uncelebrate with me. We will be sharing stories after stories of how we were attracted to boys and men who never felt the same. We will be lamenting on how we never got flowers and chocolates and teddy bears during birthdays and Valentine's from supposed-beaus.

We will raise our wine glasses to us who never warranted a second glance from the opposite sex due to attraction (they might have but for entirely different purposes such as ridiculous outfits and absent-mindedness). We will laugh about our lack of suitors, lack of guys crushing on us, lack of a concrete and nakakakilig na encounter to tell our girlfriends over Friday-night dinners.

It could be funny and tragic at the same time. I could read all the self-help book there is on how to relate with the opposite sex, on how to gain confidence; try to make it all work for a month, two, a year. After some time, with the lack of results and plenty of heartaches, I will be back to square one. That miserable square where they will ask you on holiday family gatherings on why you are still single and you can't answer without 1.sounding desperate and 2.offending those who are miserably married. The square where girls like me will pretend not to feel lonely at solo-movie screenings and dinner-outs, and those who will tell you that all the good ones are taken and gay.

Then, after a day or two, all will be alright again. I will feel beautiful and confident but until then,

"To those of us who knew the pain,
Of Valentine's that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
T'was long ago and far away,
the world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free,
To ugly duckling girls like me..."
- At Seventeen, Janis Ian

P.S. please excuse any grammar lapse, I am on outpour mode, so for most part, I don't really care...

Open letter to my ex-kasabay

I know I said I don't want you anymore and that I never missed you when you were gone for a whole month. That you were gay and totally into men. That there is nothing that attracts me to you in the first place.

But the truth of the matter is, I just can't reconcile myself to the idea of liking someone too much and getting rejected in the end. Plus, I don't believe that I can have something as sweet and special as how they portrayed love and romance in the novels. I never thought that I am the kind of girl who would fall for that crap.

So, yes, I lied. Not with thinking that you possibly have the same gender preference as I do (given the evidence, there's still a 50% chance). I still want you, but I wouldn't know what to do with you and me if by some miracle, you'll realize that you want me too.

#deardiary #confessions #dahilwalanamangnakakabasa #tarana #atmagilusyon

Bilang super secret ang blog blogan...

Nakakasawa magpaka-Superman. Nakakapagod din kapag ikaw lang ang may pakialam kung may pambayad ba ng kuryente, may bigas ba o kung hindi ba tayo mapuputulan ng water supply. Samantalang yung mga kasama mo sa bahay puro news, basketball, UFC, tennis, bodybuilding, syota at kung ano ano lang ang inaatupag.

Not to be insensitive to my family's plight pero kailan ba kayo naging sensitive sa plight ko?

(End of rant)

Of true beauty

I was watching Radha in The Voice and was marvelling over her vocal prowess when papa commented on her weight. I retorted, "Kaya nga The Voice di ba? Looks shouldn't be an issue. At saka maganda kaya s'ya."

He said, "Kahit na, kahit anong ganda ng babae kapag mataba nawawala din."

The argument went on with me defending beauty plus talent versus weight and naturally I think won because he stopped.

Bigla kong na-realize, I shouldn't marry a guy who thinks the same way papa does. Guys who think this way should be beaten up hanggang maging kamukha nila si Derek Ramsey. Kidding aside, it is true pala that most guys are really shallow. They look at women and pick out who they think is the best one based on the shell alone. Doesn't matter if they are smart or witty or responsible or successful or eto na lang eh, a good person. For guys like papa, those are just icing on the cake.

Or am I just disappointed because it was my own father who made the careless and stupid comment? I don't know. I just realized how important it is to choose the guy you'll fall in love with. One more item on my list: find a guy who will love you even at your worst day.

Choosy na kung choosy but I won't end up with a guy who thinks that women should all look like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley at any age and beat myself up when I can't quite measure up. Kakain na lang ako nang Cadbury Milk Chocolate all day rather than put up with their nonsense, kahit kasing hot pa yan ni Henry Cavill.

Grr.

Insomnia

Stupid to be in this rut, waiting. For something to happen. And then nothing does. It would be very difficult to believe if somebody is to tell me that this is not a punishment. Because it sure feels like one. Because nothing else would hurt this much, like being hacked at with a dull and rusted blade. And feeling stupid for ever feeling that way because it all started with a shallow and meaningless ping that morphed into a delusional craving. A stupid obsession containing a mix of scenes that happened and some that happened only in my mind. Scenes that may or may not have meant something, to you or me or to anyone who cared to say a word about it.

If all of this only made sense, I wouldn't be writing it at all.

The Art of Saying "No"

Inasmuch as I hate to admit it, I am a certified people-pleaser. I stretch myself thin trying to gain people'sd approval. And saying no to them, is simply not an answer.

Which is why I am in a weird bender right now. In my attempt to please everyone, I say yay to every request, to every invitation. In the process, not only am I all over the damned place, I totally forgot how to please myself.

They say smart women know how and when to say no.Right now, I don't feel like I'm one of them. I should perfect this art and probably be happier and more content with my decisions. And hopefully as a result, have people like me for me, not for what I can do for them.

So 2011...

That title ^ is horrible but I can't think of anything profound or catchy right now and I won't even try. Past few months have been a whirl of tears, of laughter, of sweating and anxieties. Scratch that, the whole of 2011 have been a complete emotional roller coaster ride for me. There are up-there-in-the-heavens time, down in the sewers, a lot of lost-in-translation moments, and floating aimlessly in the streets of Singapore. Yes, I made it a year (and few months now) of working in a foreign land without any family or old friends, of not going back home for vacation (as some are used to do since SG is only 3 hours away from RP). The nerd who was never away from home for long stretches of time, and doesn't know how to cook a decent meal, IS STILL ALIVE.

It was all a blur to me. One minute I was contemplating resignation from the company I've been with in Manila and the next, I'm moving to Singapore, facing the tough recruiter's life I've had with the first company I've been with, and now, enduring yet another challenge. My stomach's been twisted up in knots and have had its share of too much acidity and the occasional butterflies this past year, it's a surprise it is still there (though not that helpful in digestion since I gained a lot of poundsss). But yeah, I made it through 2011 and living a few days of 2012 which I wouldn't be in without the help of a few friends who made sure I wouldn't jump off Marina Bay Sands (what a way to go..), the support and understanding of my family back in Manila and my renewed faith in my Protector, Healer, Redeemer, Deliverer, Saviour and most importantly, my Best Friend.

Quarter-Life Crisis

It's that time of the year again where the blues crop up and sometimes, even the strange thoughts that keep me very much awake at 3 a.m. (Is this really just once a year because I've been having them on and off for the past year? Hmm, interesting..) In less than two months, I'll be 25. I know, mababaw, to be terrified when I haven't even hit my 40s, even the 30s. This could be a pressure from seeing a lot of peers my age seeming to know what they want out of life and working their way towards it. Or probably having a ton of friends getting married, giving birth, celebrating their anniversaries with their better halves? I'm not sure. But what I'm certain about is this feeling of panic, like I'm tied to a chair to watch the sun go up and down everyday and do nothing about anything. Even in the mornings, I feel like I wouldn't be able to accomplish something worthy for the whole day. Depression? I don't think so. The past year has been such an emotional roller coaster for everything to come down to a bad case of the blues.

I've been trying to step back and look at the whole situation to see where I made the wrong turn. And for the life of me, I don't know where to look. Why am I in this situation? Didn't I really have any choice back then? Even before I started working, I already know that I have big shoes to fill. While everyone is biding their time waiting for their preferred jobs, I started diving into a mind-numbing work that stops the creative thought processes. The only important thing there is that it paid the bills, it put food in the table, never mind the fact that I was burning my stomach lining from pretending for it to be something bigger than it really is. I moved on, spent another 3 years and counting in doing something that I thought is a step up from the past one which in turn, brought me here in this foreign city and I now realize that this is what I've been trying to avoid my whole life.

Would things have been different if I waited and pursued a less mundane life? Unfortunately, I didn't have that privilege, the waiting, because there are people waiting for me to provide a living. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I've been doing whatever I can to make sure that we have a half-decent life. This is also where the problem lies. I fuck up and they go down with me.

I want to just take that leap, start fresh, consequences be damned but I love my family too much to mess up. Being locked up in this soap box is getting old. I desperately need to reinvent myself or at least focus on another thing that would make me... better. And contrary to what people around me are suggesting, it's not the addition of a romantic angle. I don't need to add another complication and burden him with my emotional excesses.

So now, what to do? A big chunk is to probably look back and rediscover what it is that I enjoy doing and am passionate about. After channeling my energy into doing whatever it is, I'm positive that everything else will follow. Come to think of it, being happy boils down to enjoying what you're doing with your time, earning a living out of it is just icing on the cake.

The funny thing is, I don't know if everything I just wrote made a lick of sense.

I'm dead scared and worried. Is what I'm planning to do, the right step?

Stuck in a moment..

Stuck

in enjoying Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays and in hating Sunday evenings.

in the long-standing drama of everyday work-life

in enjoying alone-time

in having too much alone-time

in having to deal with mamagals and mamarus

in a foreign city without friends or family I can completely trust

in my fantasies

30 POUNDS

30 freaking pounds overweight. This is not good. I must stop eating McDo's, KFC's and BK's large fries, burgers and what-nots. Ergo, I must stop being too happy. Goodness, I hate growing up.

Up in the equator..

And here I am. A few months ago I wouldn't have imagined that I will be in the middle of a melting pot, hearing all kinds of languages from all over the world. That I am here, not just on vacation, but to stay and work is not just surprising but completely mind-blowing. I didn't think that I have the courage to withstand being away from family and friends and from the comfort of my former job in Manila but apparently, I kicked royal asses in that department. For one month a half, at least, I did and still at it.

So far, the first few weeks are not so bad, and not so good either. For the first time in forever, I lived in two different households, in a span of two months. The worst part is I'm thinking of moving again though I'm still not sure and I still have the option to wait out and stay. My job? Not so stellar, my performance in it and the situation, but I didn't come here to sit around and enjoy the sceneries anyway. I still have a year and 10 months and I am more than willing to take the punches aimed my way in this area.

For now, I can't say that I'm doing good because my grandma just passed away last week and I can't be with family at the moment. I just comfort myself with the thought that she is now in a better place and she finally got the rest that she has been wanting for the past few years.

And this will not be the end of it as I've barely started. I know there's more to come. This time though, I'll try not to be the wide-eyed, naive bumpkin from the greeneries but the kick-ass and tough girl that this country is teaching me to become.

UP, UP, I go

Forward, forward, I go.

Why now?

Why the hell not?

I don't know. I guess I'm just growing up and starting to think of things more important than me. And even though I'm scared witless of what can happen tomorrow, I've donned my steel armor, I'm more than ready for my battlefield. :)

Drama Queen

Today I realized that I want a dad who swears a lot, belch loudly, pick his nose, fart uncontrollably... and I will still love him like my giant duck stuffed toy because of all that and the fact that he will stand up to any guy who messes with me, hug me during bad days, and treat me like his little girl forever (now I sound like a wound-up tween).

But then again, I don't always get what I want.

In times like this, it would be really nice to have my mom around. Or even just my room and a couple of DVDs to soothe me and to prevent me from throwing whatever comes handy and swearing.

Surprisingly, the rage subsided almost completely. I'm just left torn between proving my worth or getting a fresh start. At the rate things are going, I'm wanting a clean slate. But what I want, I'm not gonna get that easily.