I Want To Live In a Jude Devereaux World

In these times of self-doubt (which btw happens quite often), my last resort would always be to cry out to the universe for a do-over. A la Jude Devereaux's Summerhouse. 

I'll probably go back in time to before uni exams and choose Nursing. I'll keep in mind to study harder than ever and finish with flying colors. Land a job in a local, public hospital then fly off to Canada or Switzerland after 3 yrs. Work my ass off, save enough money, invest my money, take up with a hot Caucasian, join Doctors w/o Borders or some charity. Marry said person after an inordinate amount of time (where I have made sure that he worships the land I walk on), have 2 beautiful kids and live happily ever after. I'll see the ramifications of going down this kind of life and finally choose between my actual life now and that fantasy.

 I wonder which life I will choose.

There is this other optimistic (bordering on stupid) part of me who believes that this phase will pass. That there will come a time when the struggles will all be worth it. I wouldn't feel so small, insecure, defensive, pitiful and desperate any longer. However, I never give myself the opportunity to paint what the good life looks like. Or did I ever have the luxury of time to think about this at all?

It's been going on for so long, all these doubts and ugly things in my head (most of the time in my actual day to day life) that my idea of beautiful and happy are stories of fictional people that I keep in my head. To the point that I empathize (completely, I would like to believe) and I often find myself daydreaming of how these fairytale lives would look and feel like instead of focusing on my own shit. 

Is it because I don't want to deal with the pain and the internal war of confidence and self-doubt in my head? I would want to believe that I faced my fair share of being a warrior too many times for me to be in denial now. Or maybe, I haven't? I don't fucking know and I desperately want to find out how to get past this or if there is even a way out? 

I don't want to compare myself with my contemporaries (even those who came after me) and end up falling short, per my standard and the world's. It's becoming a cycle of feeling good-failing-mediocrity-surviving-good luck that I am getting sick of because of the uncertainties and the helpless feeling of not being in control of my whole life and destiny. 

So, Jude Devereaux, can you help a girl out? Can you include me in The Return to Summerhouse please?

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

Shouldn't have kept him on as a friend.

Shouldn't have counted on him to be a friend when the need arose (i.e. friend's wedding)

Shouldn't have expected him to be a gentleman after everything he put me through (i.e. making me cry even harder whenever I am starting to when we were still together)

Shouldn't have been too nice and cut him off completely. 

But all of that I did and in the end, he managed to rub his new relationship on my face (I would've been happy for him if he didn't lie about it and made me sound as if I am still clinging to a hope that we will get back together) and ripped my pride to pieces.

I accept now that I have been stupid to let this happen to me and to cry over a person who doesn't deserve my tears and frustration in the first place. I can blame a million different things but I just let them happen to me, I allowed it. 

I am now comforted and happy in turning my back on all things where he is concerned. I guess this really has to happen so I can come to my senses and see him in all his tainted glory. The blinders are now off. I settled and bore all of the consequences.

I need to love myself more so I can get my self-respect back again. Never shall I settle for less than what I want for myself, ever again.

Letting Go

Ended my first ever romantic relationship a month ago, for good (we've broken and made up so many times). Since this is my first time in the arena (the serious one), I didn't know what to expect except everything that I've read in online blogs and all the solicited and unsolicited advice that I've listened to from well-meaning friends. 

After a month, I could say that it is as melodramatic as everyone would say and at times, it is not. Some days it felt like there's no coming out of it, other days it simply feels like the end of any day. However it felt, it's over and with what urged me to end it, I just hope that there would be no more backsliding.

I've let that go and kept the lesson. With this newfound maturity, I've also let go of other people in my life who have no business being there. 

At the end of all this hullabaloo, I learned that in relationships where no money or career is involved, it is not worth to keep if I have to be someone I'm not. If they make me question whether whatever I am doing or choosing is up to their standards or not, they need not be in my inner circle. In an article I read somewhere, it says that adulthood is fun because you can cut off people from your life without worrying whether you'll be ostracized or you'll end up working on group projects alone. School's over, so is walking on eggshells.

Get Out!

To: The Guy Who Must Not Be Named

Only 3 hours away before my wake-up time but I am still wide awake. Somehow, you managed to sneak into my mind again. Scratch that. You have been in my mind for most of my day, weekend, week, nah, 2 weeks!!!

I was the one who ended it, for one of the best reasons, if I may say so myself. Comparing to other break-up stories I've heard or read or known of, ours would have been the most justified. Replaying that last bit of conversation that we had, where I was half yelling out of frustration and you were clueless on why I wanted to end it. Thinking back and if I was asked if I would break up with you, I am certain that I will do the same thing.

Why then, after 2 weeks of not speaking, do I still miss you?! After that day, I was half relieved not to hear from you again, not to receive any calls asking whether I'm already up for work or whether I am on my way home. I was halfway-to-happy in thinking that moving on might come a bit earlier than expected.

After 2 weeks though, I finally found out why my emotions were only halfway through and this night proved that I might not be over it anytime soon. Now, I'm back to doubting myself. Did I make the right decision of ending us? Was I only too emotional when I made the decision, therefore, making it a wrong one?

If I will be completely honest with myself, (what the hell, I am talking to myself anyway) I would admit that it's all I've been thinking about. We're all I've been thinking about.

I am wondering if you still miss me.  If you are busy with work or talking to someone new. If things in my life will be easier if I can still tell you all about it. If you ever think of me whenever you're at the MRT station on your way home. If I can ever get my new router properly installed without your help.

I tried not to be in this situation of dwelling, wallowing, and of longing. I really tried. The card you gave me last Valentine's day is now in the trash. My new router will be here this week so I can give you back the one you lent me. I personally took your suit to the cleaners so we can give it back to you and hopefully release all reasons to communicate with you. I took up reading again and I talked to friends. I even took off to the mall several times to buy random things or just to eat for a quick diversion. All of that and all I get in return is a sleepless Sunday night, writing this crap up.

Seriously, I hope I can get my peaceful sleep back. I hope I will not have these thoughts anymore, not tonight or tomorrow or ever. I hope I can pass through my usual way home without thinking of you.

I am allowing myself to mourn, to wallow, to cry my eyes out for the next 2 weeks and round off this mourning period to a month. I really do hope it's sooner but if not, 1 month would be my limit.

After a month, I hope I can at least get back the life I had without you.

Heartfelt Thank You

for making me realize that there is strength in picking up the pieces and moving on.

For showing me what my "non-negotiables" are, everything I hated about you.

For treating me like how I don't want my future husband to treat me ever. Thank you for this lesson.

For pointing out my flaws as well and making me think of whether to change them or looking for someone who can love all of them.

For changing from good to whatever. It grounded me and snapped me back to the reality: things that are not really good will become stale and old in the long run.

For hurting me in unimaginable ways, because it made me one with the old adage: It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Life goals

"When you find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stand in front of you when other’s cast stones, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who will hold your hand when you're sick, who thinks you're pretty without makeup, the one who turns to his friends and say, ‘that’s her’, the one that would bear your rejection because losing you means losing his will to live, who kisses you when you screw up, watches the stars and names one for you and will hold and rock that baby for hours so you can sleep...you marry him all over again."

- Shannon Adler (from goodreads.com)

Fight or Let Go?

Stuck in between believing that something is worth fighting for and cutting my losses and just let go.

Do I have still have something to fight for? Am I just wasting our time and energy? Are we still in it for the long haul?

Did he move on? Am I willing to, if he did? Do I still try to find out if it's worth the effort?

Will I still trust? How long until I heal?