I Want To Live In a Jude Devereaux World

In these times of self-doubt (which btw happens quite often), my last resort would always be to cry out to the universe for a do-over. A la Jude Devereaux's Summerhouse. 

I'll probably go back in time to before uni exams and choose Nursing. I'll keep in mind to study harder than ever and finish with flying colors. Land a job in a local, public hospital then fly off to Canada or Switzerland after 3 yrs. Work my ass off, save enough money, invest my money, take up with a hot Caucasian, join Doctors w/o Borders or some charity. Marry said person after an inordinate amount of time (where I have made sure that he worships the land I walk on), have 2 beautiful kids and live happily ever after. I'll see the ramifications of going down this kind of life and finally choose between my actual life now and that fantasy.

 I wonder which life I will choose.

There is this other optimistic (bordering on stupid) part of me who believes that this phase will pass. That there will come a time when the struggles will all be worth it. I wouldn't feel so small, insecure, defensive, pitiful and desperate any longer. However, I never give myself the opportunity to paint what the good life looks like. Or did I ever have the luxury of time to think about this at all?

It's been going on for so long, all these doubts and ugly things in my head (most of the time in my actual day to day life) that my idea of beautiful and happy are stories of fictional people that I keep in my head. To the point that I empathize (completely, I would like to believe) and I often find myself daydreaming of how these fairytale lives would look and feel like instead of focusing on my own shit. 

Is it because I don't want to deal with the pain and the internal war of confidence and self-doubt in my head? I would want to believe that I faced my fair share of being a warrior too many times for me to be in denial now. Or maybe, I haven't? I don't fucking know and I desperately want to find out how to get past this or if there is even a way out? 

I don't want to compare myself with my contemporaries (even those who came after me) and end up falling short, per my standard and the world's. It's becoming a cycle of feeling good-failing-mediocrity-surviving-good luck that I am getting sick of because of the uncertainties and the helpless feeling of not being in control of my whole life and destiny. 

So, Jude Devereaux, can you help a girl out? Can you include me in The Return to Summerhouse please?

Shoulda, Woulda, Coulda

Shouldn't have kept him on as a friend.

Shouldn't have counted on him to be a friend when the need arose (i.e. friend's wedding)

Shouldn't have expected him to be a gentleman after everything he put me through (i.e. making me cry even harder whenever I am starting to when we were still together)

Shouldn't have been too nice and cut him off completely. 

But all of that I did and in the end, he managed to rub his new relationship on my face (I would've been happy for him if he didn't lie about it and made me sound as if I am still clinging to a hope that we will get back together) and ripped my pride to pieces.

I accept now that I have been stupid to let this happen to me and to cry over a person who doesn't deserve my tears and frustration in the first place. I can blame a million different things but I just let them happen to me, I allowed it. 

I am now comforted and happy in turning my back on all things where he is concerned. I guess this really has to happen so I can come to my senses and see him in all his tainted glory. The blinders are now off. I settled and bore all of the consequences.

I need to love myself more so I can get my self-respect back again. Never shall I settle for less than what I want for myself, ever again.

Letting Go

Ended my first ever romantic relationship a month ago, for good (we've broken and made up so many times). Since this is my first time in the arena (the serious one), I didn't know what to expect except everything that I've read in online blogs and all the solicited and unsolicited advice that I've listened to from well-meaning friends. 

After a month, I could say that it is as melodramatic as everyone would say and at times, it is not. Some days it felt like there's no coming out of it, other days it simply feels like the end of any day. However it felt, it's over and with what urged me to end it, I just hope that there would be no more backsliding.

I've let that go and kept the lesson. With this newfound maturity, I've also let go of other people in my life who have no business being there. 

At the end of all this hullabaloo, I learned that in relationships where no money or career is involved, it is not worth to keep if I have to be someone I'm not. If they make me question whether whatever I am doing or choosing is up to their standards or not, they need not be in my inner circle. In an article I read somewhere, it says that adulthood is fun because you can cut off people from your life without worrying whether you'll be ostracized or you'll end up working on group projects alone. School's over, so is walking on eggshells.

Get Out!

To: The Guy Who Must Not Be Named

Only 3 hours away before my wake-up time but I am still wide awake. Somehow, you managed to sneak into my mind again. Scratch that. You have been in my mind for most of my day, weekend, week, nah, 2 weeks!!!

I was the one who ended it, for one of the best reasons, if I may say so myself. Comparing to other break-up stories I've heard or read or known of, ours would have been the most justified. Replaying that last bit of conversation that we had, where I was half yelling out of frustration and you were clueless on why I wanted to end it. Thinking back and if I was asked if I would break up with you, I am certain that I will do the same thing.

Why then, after 2 weeks of not speaking, do I still miss you?! After that day, I was half relieved not to hear from you again, not to receive any calls asking whether I'm already up for work or whether I am on my way home. I was halfway-to-happy in thinking that moving on might come a bit earlier than expected.

After 2 weeks though, I finally found out why my emotions were only halfway through and this night proved that I might not be over it anytime soon. Now, I'm back to doubting myself. Did I make the right decision of ending us? Was I only too emotional when I made the decision, therefore, making it a wrong one?

If I will be completely honest with myself, (what the hell, I am talking to myself anyway) I would admit that it's all I've been thinking about. We're all I've been thinking about.

I am wondering if you still miss me.  If you are busy with work or talking to someone new. If things in my life will be easier if I can still tell you all about it. If you ever think of me whenever you're at the MRT station on your way home. If I can ever get my new router properly installed without your help.

I tried not to be in this situation of dwelling, wallowing, and of longing. I really tried. The card you gave me last Valentine's day is now in the trash. My new router will be here this week so I can give you back the one you lent me. I personally took your suit to the cleaners so we can give it back to you and hopefully release all reasons to communicate with you. I took up reading again and I talked to friends. I even took off to the mall several times to buy random things or just to eat for a quick diversion. All of that and all I get in return is a sleepless Sunday night, writing this crap up.

Seriously, I hope I can get my peaceful sleep back. I hope I will not have these thoughts anymore, not tonight or tomorrow or ever. I hope I can pass through my usual way home without thinking of you.

I am allowing myself to mourn, to wallow, to cry my eyes out for the next 2 weeks and round off this mourning period to a month. I really do hope it's sooner but if not, 1 month would be my limit.

After a month, I hope I can at least get back the life I had without you.

Heartfelt Thank You

for making me realize that there is strength in picking up the pieces and moving on.

For showing me what my "non-negotiables" are, everything I hated about you.

For treating me like how I don't want my future husband to treat me ever. Thank you for this lesson.

For pointing out my flaws as well and making me think of whether to change them or looking for someone who can love all of them.

For changing from good to whatever. It grounded me and snapped me back to the reality: things that are not really good will become stale and old in the long run.

For hurting me in unimaginable ways, because it made me one with the old adage: It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Life goals

"When you find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stand in front of you when other’s cast stones, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who will hold your hand when you're sick, who thinks you're pretty without makeup, the one who turns to his friends and say, ‘that’s her’, the one that would bear your rejection because losing you means losing his will to live, who kisses you when you screw up, watches the stars and names one for you and will hold and rock that baby for hours so you can sleep...you marry him all over again."

- Shannon Adler (from goodreads.com)

Fight or Let Go?

Stuck in between believing that something is worth fighting for and cutting my losses and just let go.

Do I have still have something to fight for? Am I just wasting our time and energy? Are we still in it for the long haul?

Did he move on? Am I willing to, if he did? Do I still try to find out if it's worth the effort?

Will I still trust? How long until I heal?

Message in a Bottle

I know you're out there somewhere and we've never met but I'm pretty sure we will, someday.

Looking forward to that day, when I am finally happy and when I finally found myself and my place in the world.

To the day when I am ready to tell you "I love you" without worrying if you'll say it back or if you even feel the same way because I am that secure. And I won't be afraid of hurts that love can give.

When I am finally ready to feel and risk and take. Prepared, for whoever you'll turn out to be. Prepared to be worthy of you as you are of me.

For now, I'll work on my way to "happy". So that I will be radiant when we meet. And you can't help but bask in my happiness, as well.

Blue is my favorite color

One of them introspective Saturdays. The ones where thoughts blindside you at 1 a.m.

What to do?

So I decided to end it. To stop all efforts in trying to attract him. In trying to impress him outside of work. I should learn not to expect anything from him from now on. Not special attention that crosses professional boundaries. No sweet nothings. Nada.

This way, we can continue on with business in a more professional-like manner. We can be more efficient and objective. And we can start becoming friends again. All good reasons. Easy for me to see this but I didn't know that the first few days would be so difficult.

I can't look at him without wavering. And he is always getting on my nerves lately even if he isn't doing anything untoward or inappropriate. Twice today, I lashed out at him in public. And the 2nd time seemed harder for him because he stopped approaching me entirely.

Deep in my heart, I know that I have this reaction because the circumstances are not going according to my plan of avoiding too much contact with him. I was acting like a bitch to push him away so I can forget him completely. But why am I feeling bad now? As if I kicked a poor puppy in the face? Didn't I get what I wanted, distance?

I want to apologize personally. Number 1 because we are still coworkers and I overstepped that boundary. Number 2, because whatever I was going through at the time, he was not aware of any of that. Number 3, because it is really wrong to snap at somebody just because they are trying to take your picture.

What should I do? What is the smart thing to do?

Lessons

Blurry and disoriented. No, I am not drunk, not today. I am merely thinking of a gazillion and one things and doing nothing about it. Money, career, the future, Monday, make up, healthy living, education, family, men, friends. The list is long and can go on all night but I choose to silence them all for a few minutes while I am writing. Before it takes me away again and eat at me little by little. I am back to that square of confusion again. That point where you don't have any idea of what to do next or what to focus on. I just want to be grateful for these lessons I learned lately:

1. Bitterness over refusing to forgive someone is worse than hurt pride.
2. Forgive myself for I never cease to become my own worst critic and enemy. 3. There are millions of people you can meet in this lifetime, it is humanly impossible to please every single one of them. So don't start with one for nothing.
4. "It takes a strong woman to speak her mind." - Pantene commercial
5. Always choose to do what is right.
6. Change, not for anyone else, but for yourself.

And lastly, emptiness is best destroyed by choosing to be filled with passion and a sense of purpose.

"Every second of the night, I live another life..."

Yours was the last face I expected to dream of. Just because I only always passed you by before, and now, not even anymore. With the little I knew about you, I was setting you up with another person who I thought would be a perfect match for you (because you look good together while working on events and because I want that girl to settle down soon hihi). That dream starring you and me, however, gave me chills... of the good kind. Your face was so vivid, and this is the first dream I can recall that my senses are so in tuned to the details. Your scent (at least in the dream), the feel of your skin against mine when you drew me really close and pecked my neck, your face, features... I can't remember much of what the dream was about but I can remember that you were there and for some reason, we looked and felt like a couple.

I don't really understand why, of all people, I'd dreamt about you. Before this, I didn't want anything to do with you. You were a Type-A, super achiever, the perfect gentleman, well-mannered and in control. You weren't in my radar because I believed then that you will never notice someone like me. So I stayed really far. But there you were in super HD, holding me close in a one-arm hug and nuzzling my head. I even hate you a little now because you made me yearn for something I have no business to think about. But as I go to sleep tonight, I wonder if I'll see you in dreamland again...

2014!

Resolutions sound ominous to me like it is doomed to remain, well, resolutions. For this year, I am adapting what I admire in my new acquaintances at work's top quality: the ability to plan well and to execute said plans, by hook or by crook. So for this year, I planned and hopefully ( by God's grace), I will be able to carry them out one by one. :)

2014 Plans:

1. Attend a new spiritual group/sect. Not because I don't believe in my current church anymore but because I want to have a better foundation. I admit that I am feeling a bit lost for quite some time now and I am not glorifying my Creator in things I say and do. Therefore, a careful review of where I went wrong and to pray, really hard.

2. Save and spend wisely. To pay off outstanding debts, send my brother off to college, for travelling, for a new phone, for a new adventure.

3. Travel alone. To meet new people, expand my horizons, learn how to deal with strangers, develop my sense of direction and self-confidence.

4. Learn to swim. For better lung function and kick off asthma, lose weight (hopefully) and holistic health.

5. Be a better daughter. And a better friend to people who matter the most.
This surely is a plan that might take more than a year but because of its importance, I can be flexible. I am willing to wait. :)

6. Continue writing, learn a new language and hone my skills at the guitar. Stems from my lack of self-confidence and thinking that I am not interesting enough. I'll stop here with the drama. :P

And lastly, to be more thankful and grateful for everything that I already have. Last year, things went really wrong when I stopped being happy with the things bestowed on me and I started asking for more. When I didn't get enough, things went downhill for me. There's nothing wrong with wanting more, but having the wrong perspective and heart is where it will start to become problematic.

So this year, in good and bad, I will be more thankful. And if God would not want me to have the 1st 6 2014 plans that I've set for myself, I will trust Him to have something way better in store for me.

2013 Christmas Blues

Another bluesy Christmas. And another New Year, Valentine's, birthday to spend with well-meaning family and friends, but otherwise, all alone. I've read up on no-boyfriend-since-birth on blogs again while listening to At Seventeen by Janis Ian, on a Christmas Eve, to boot. All while thinking where I went wrong.

Wallowing in my pity party where all girls with weight issues, girls who are not physically attractive, girls who are funny as defense mechanism, girls who are not smart enough, girls who are not interesting enough are all invited to uncelebrate with me. We will be sharing stories after stories of how we were attracted to boys and men who never felt the same. We will be lamenting on how we never got flowers and chocolates and teddy bears during birthdays and Valentine's from supposed-beaus.

We will raise our wine glasses to us who never warranted a second glance from the opposite sex due to attraction (they might have but for entirely different purposes such as ridiculous outfits and absent-mindedness). We will laugh about our lack of suitors, lack of guys crushing on us, lack of a concrete and nakakakilig na encounter to tell our girlfriends over Friday-night dinners.

It could be funny and tragic at the same time. I could read all the self-help book there is on how to relate with the opposite sex, on how to gain confidence; try to make it all work for a month, two, a year. After some time, with the lack of results and plenty of heartaches, I will be back to square one. That miserable square where they will ask you on holiday family gatherings on why you are still single and you can't answer without 1.sounding desperate and 2.offending those who are miserably married. The square where girls like me will pretend not to feel lonely at solo-movie screenings and dinner-outs, and those who will tell you that all the good ones are taken and gay.

Then, after a day or two, all will be alright again. I will feel beautiful and confident but until then,

"To those of us who knew the pain,
Of Valentine's that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
T'was long ago and far away,
the world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free,
To ugly duckling girls like me..."
- At Seventeen, Janis Ian

P.S. please excuse any grammar lapse, I am on outpour mode, so for most part, I don't really care...

Open letter to my ex-kasabay

I know I said I don't want you anymore and that I never missed you when you were gone for a whole month. That you were gay and totally into men. That there is nothing that attracts me to you in the first place.

But the truth of the matter is, I just can't reconcile myself to the idea of liking someone too much and getting rejected in the end. Plus, I don't believe that I can have something as sweet and special as how they portrayed love and romance in the novels. I never thought that I am the kind of girl who would fall for that crap.

So, yes, I lied. Not with thinking that you possibly have the same gender preference as I do (given the evidence, there's still a 50% chance). I still want you, but I wouldn't know what to do with you and me if by some miracle, you'll realize that you want me too.

#deardiary #confessions #dahilwalanamangnakakabasa #tarana #atmagilusyon

Pondering

Can you hold on to me a little bit tighter? Because I am slowly losing grip and honestly, I don't know if I have it in me to hoist myself back.

Am I really meant to lose it for some time? So the story that I can tell is a little bit clearer? A little bit more sincere? A bit more moving?

Did I make a move too soon? Was I really honest when I took that step? Was it you, or was it my selfish motives?

ramblings of a deranged mind

He looks mighty fine.
He is awkward. As you are.
He is here now but might be gone tomorrow.
He is a risk.
He is not supposed to be safe.
He is a contradiction.

But he is an idea.
He is not real, a figment of your imagination.
He only exists in a made-up realm where there are only rainbows and butterflies and chocolates.

Still, he is there.
And you, you are here, looking from afar.
Because anywhere near shatters the illusion.

blah

Hey God, are you there? It's me, Kat, remember?

Bilang super secret ang blog blogan...

Nakakasawa magpaka-Superman. Nakakapagod din kapag ikaw lang ang may pakialam kung may pambayad ba ng kuryente, may bigas ba o kung hindi ba tayo mapuputulan ng water supply. Samantalang yung mga kasama mo sa bahay puro news, basketball, UFC, tennis, bodybuilding, syota at kung ano ano lang ang inaatupag.

Not to be insensitive to my family's plight pero kailan ba kayo naging sensitive sa plight ko?

(End of rant)

Of true beauty

I was watching Radha in The Voice and was marvelling over her vocal prowess when papa commented on her weight. I retorted, "Kaya nga The Voice di ba? Looks shouldn't be an issue. At saka maganda kaya s'ya."

He said, "Kahit na, kahit anong ganda ng babae kapag mataba nawawala din."

The argument went on with me defending beauty plus talent versus weight and naturally I think won because he stopped.

Bigla kong na-realize, I shouldn't marry a guy who thinks the same way papa does. Guys who think this way should be beaten up hanggang maging kamukha nila si Derek Ramsey. Kidding aside, it is true pala that most guys are really shallow. They look at women and pick out who they think is the best one based on the shell alone. Doesn't matter if they are smart or witty or responsible or successful or eto na lang eh, a good person. For guys like papa, those are just icing on the cake.

Or am I just disappointed because it was my own father who made the careless and stupid comment? I don't know. I just realized how important it is to choose the guy you'll fall in love with. One more item on my list: find a guy who will love you even at your worst day.

Choosy na kung choosy but I won't end up with a guy who thinks that women should all look like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley at any age and beat myself up when I can't quite measure up. Kakain na lang ako nang Cadbury Milk Chocolate all day rather than put up with their nonsense, kahit kasing hot pa yan ni Henry Cavill.

Grr.