So 2011...

That title ^ is horrible but I can't think of anything profound or catchy right now and I won't even try. Past few months have been a whirl of tears, of laughter, of sweating and anxieties. Scratch that, the whole of 2011 have been a complete emotional roller coaster ride for me. There are up-there-in-the-heavens time, down in the sewers, a lot of lost-in-translation moments, and floating aimlessly in the streets of Singapore. Yes, I made it a year (and few months now) of working in a foreign land without any family or old friends, of not going back home for vacation (as some are used to do since SG is only 3 hours away from RP). The nerd who was never away from home for long stretches of time, and doesn't know how to cook a decent meal, IS STILL ALIVE.

It was all a blur to me. One minute I was contemplating resignation from the company I've been with in Manila and the next, I'm moving to Singapore, facing the tough recruiter's life I've had with the first company I've been with, and now, enduring yet another challenge. My stomach's been twisted up in knots and have had its share of too much acidity and the occasional butterflies this past year, it's a surprise it is still there (though not that helpful in digestion since I gained a lot of poundsss). But yeah, I made it through 2011 and living a few days of 2012 which I wouldn't be in without the help of a few friends who made sure I wouldn't jump off Marina Bay Sands (what a way to go..), the support and understanding of my family back in Manila and my renewed faith in my Protector, Healer, Redeemer, Deliverer, Saviour and most importantly, my Best Friend.

Quarter-Life Crisis

It's that time of the year again where the blues crop up and sometimes, even the strange thoughts that keep me very much awake at 3 a.m. (Is this really just once a year because I've been having them on and off for the past year? Hmm, interesting..) In less than two months, I'll be 25. I know, mababaw, to be terrified when I haven't even hit my 40s, even the 30s. This could be a pressure from seeing a lot of peers my age seeming to know what they want out of life and working their way towards it. Or probably having a ton of friends getting married, giving birth, celebrating their anniversaries with their better halves? I'm not sure. But what I'm certain about is this feeling of panic, like I'm tied to a chair to watch the sun go up and down everyday and do nothing about anything. Even in the mornings, I feel like I wouldn't be able to accomplish something worthy for the whole day. Depression? I don't think so. The past year has been such an emotional roller coaster for everything to come down to a bad case of the blues.

I've been trying to step back and look at the whole situation to see where I made the wrong turn. And for the life of me, I don't know where to look. Why am I in this situation? Didn't I really have any choice back then? Even before I started working, I already know that I have big shoes to fill. While everyone is biding their time waiting for their preferred jobs, I started diving into a mind-numbing work that stops the creative thought processes. The only important thing there is that it paid the bills, it put food in the table, never mind the fact that I was burning my stomach lining from pretending for it to be something bigger than it really is. I moved on, spent another 3 years and counting in doing something that I thought is a step up from the past one which in turn, brought me here in this foreign city and I now realize that this is what I've been trying to avoid my whole life.

Would things have been different if I waited and pursued a less mundane life? Unfortunately, I didn't have that privilege, the waiting, because there are people waiting for me to provide a living. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I've been doing whatever I can to make sure that we have a half-decent life. This is also where the problem lies. I fuck up and they go down with me.

I want to just take that leap, start fresh, consequences be damned but I love my family too much to mess up. Being locked up in this soap box is getting old. I desperately need to reinvent myself or at least focus on another thing that would make me... better. And contrary to what people around me are suggesting, it's not the addition of a romantic angle. I don't need to add another complication and burden him with my emotional excesses.

So now, what to do? A big chunk is to probably look back and rediscover what it is that I enjoy doing and am passionate about. After channeling my energy into doing whatever it is, I'm positive that everything else will follow. Come to think of it, being happy boils down to enjoying what you're doing with your time, earning a living out of it is just icing on the cake.

The funny thing is, I don't know if everything I just wrote made a lick of sense.

I'm dead scared and worried. Is what I'm planning to do, the right step?

Stuck in a moment..

Stuck

in enjoying Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays and in hating Sunday evenings.

in the long-standing drama of everyday work-life

in enjoying alone-time

in having too much alone-time

in having to deal with mamagals and mamarus

in a foreign city without friends or family I can completely trust

in my fantasies

30 POUNDS

30 freaking pounds overweight. This is not good. I must stop eating McDo's, KFC's and BK's large fries, burgers and what-nots. Ergo, I must stop being too happy. Goodness, I hate growing up.

Q's

Kaya ko pa ba talaga?

Gusto ko ba talaga ito?

Matapang ba talaga ako?

Magaling ba talaga ako?

Ano ba talagang gusto ko?

Bakit parang lalo lang akong namamatay unti-unti araw araw?

May kahihinatnan ba yung pag-eeffort ko?

Up in the equator..

And here I am. A few months ago I wouldn't have imagined that I will be in the middle of a melting pot, hearing all kinds of languages from all over the world. That I am here, not just on vacation, but to stay and work is not just surprising but completely mind-blowing. I didn't think that I have the courage to withstand being away from family and friends and from the comfort of my former job in Manila but apparently, I kicked royal asses in that department. For one month a half, at least, I did and still at it.

So far, the first few weeks are not so bad, and not so good either. For the first time in forever, I lived in two different households, in a span of two months. The worst part is I'm thinking of moving again though I'm still not sure and I still have the option to wait out and stay. My job? Not so stellar, my performance in it and the situation, but I didn't come here to sit around and enjoy the sceneries anyway. I still have a year and 10 months and I am more than willing to take the punches aimed my way in this area.

For now, I can't say that I'm doing good because my grandma just passed away last week and I can't be with family at the moment. I just comfort myself with the thought that she is now in a better place and she finally got the rest that she has been wanting for the past few years.

And this will not be the end of it as I've barely started. I know there's more to come. This time though, I'll try not to be the wide-eyed, naive bumpkin from the greeneries but the kick-ass and tough girl that this country is teaching me to become.