The Art of Saying "No"

Inasmuch as I hate to admit it, I am a certified people-pleaser. I stretch myself thin trying to gain people'sd approval. And saying no to them, is simply not an answer.

Which is why I am in a weird bender right now. In my attempt to please everyone, I say yay to every request, to every invitation. In the process, not only am I all over the damned place, I totally forgot how to please myself.

They say smart women know how and when to say no.Right now, I don't feel like I'm one of them. I should perfect this art and probably be happier and more content with my decisions. And hopefully as a result, have people like me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Made beauty of my mess. Again.

The Father hitting a flock of birds (metaphorically, teehee) with 2 stones from Matthew 14:22-36 and 15:1-20. All of my questions and lessons that I have to relearn at this very moment answered in 2 stories. I have been praying (and grumbling) to God about a lot of things that have gone wrong lately and instead of actively seeking Him by fighting for my quiet time and putting His word and commandments into my heart, I took things in my own hands and ventured into a sojourn of doubts and disobedience. From time to time, I did manage to find time to talk to Him and read His word but in retrospect, I was acting more like I was God and telling Him what I wanted to happen, instead of giving up control and trusting His ways. Time and again, a Singapore-haze-like cloud which was my pride, blurs my understanding which made me more confused and rebellious.


Tonight's quiet time proved that God actively pursues His children who may have lost their way temporarily and those who are yet to find Him. I am truly blessed to have known Him and accepted Him as my God and savior. Because of this, I learned how to forgive and be less critical with myself and also to seek forgiveness (which is my number 1 agenda tomorrow) and be forgiving to others (especially those who matter like family and friends whom I am more likely to hurt and vice versa).


I understand that my slip is far from over. That this is just the beginning of a long pruning process. I still am praying for faith to believe and trust in Him and the best thing about our God, no matter how often we doubt and hurt Him, He never runs out of love and understanding.

Mama

I miss Mama. I don't why why tonight I suddenly thought of everything she has done for me which promptly brought on three buckets of tears. Distance is never good for me and my family emotionally. As I've said, I've never been away for long stretches of time and never felt the urge to do so if not for the fact that I need to earn more. Thinking about them, especially my mom, like this is not good at 3 in the morning because I am feeling the urge to solve this. I vow from today that I will only stay overseas to work and once I saved up enough to give us a comfortable life back home, I will go back and stay with my family and take care of my mom and pop. Being away from her for good is unthinkable since I am busting my ass off trying to make sure that we'll have a good life so not seeing them enjoy it is pointless.

Ok enough drama for tonight, I'll go grab an Advil for this headache caused by the inexplicable urge to bawl.

DEEPER IN YOU

I've read a lot of things (books, stuff on the net, the Bible) and heard a lot of people say that one way to let off stress is to think about all the things in your life that you are most thankful for. So since I'm in the mood for some melodramatic thoughts tonight, let me lay all that down:

1. Thankful for finding my way back to a relationship with God. To be honest, this is always a work-in-progress for me since I am never the nice girl who never speaks ill of anybody and I always falter in leaving all the control up to Him. Getting into a church that tirelessly remind me to serve God by serving His nation proved to be a big help and hopefully this year, I can be a better Christian and also a better person.

2. For SG friends (Lani, Ray, Kuya Jay and Ate Jules). I've only met every one of them here but they have proven time and again that I am lucky to have a family away from home. I wouldn't say that we have a perfectly harmonious relationship with each other but I appreciate the fact that they, in turn, treat me as family.

3. Family and friends back home. They might not be physically here but the continuous support and understanding I got from them helped me tremendously during the toughest days. They are the people I can run back to during the most dreadful circumstances and be sure that I will be accepted and loved.

4. And lastly, all the bad things that happened to me. They might have crushed me temporarily this past year but I can't help but still be thankful. Grateful because they made me realize that failing at something is not the end of the world. It is a truly humbling experience and I got to know who among the people around me, are the real ones.

To end this drama, quoting Sigmund Freud, "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful". I'm not even in a point where I can say that I am comfortable and thriving but thinking about the people and things I enumerated above made every struggle worth my while.

So 2011...

That title ^ is horrible but I can't think of anything profound or catchy right now and I won't even try. Past few months have been a whirl of tears, of laughter, of sweating and anxieties. Scratch that, the whole of 2011 have been a complete emotional roller coaster ride for me. There are up-there-in-the-heavens time, down in the sewers, a lot of lost-in-translation moments, and floating aimlessly in the streets of Singapore. Yes, I made it a year (and few months now) of working in a foreign land without any family or old friends, of not going back home for vacation (as some are used to do since SG is only 3 hours away from RP). The nerd who was never away from home for long stretches of time, and doesn't know how to cook a decent meal, IS STILL ALIVE.

It was all a blur to me. One minute I was contemplating resignation from the company I've been with in Manila and the next, I'm moving to Singapore, facing the tough recruiter's life I've had with the first company I've been with, and now, enduring yet another challenge. My stomach's been twisted up in knots and have had its share of too much acidity and the occasional butterflies this past year, it's a surprise it is still there (though not that helpful in digestion since I gained a lot of poundsss). But yeah, I made it through 2011 and living a few days of 2012 which I wouldn't be in without the help of a few friends who made sure I wouldn't jump off Marina Bay Sands (what a way to go..), the support and understanding of my family back in Manila and my renewed faith in my Protector, Healer, Redeemer, Deliverer, Saviour and most importantly, my Best Friend.

Quarter-Life Crisis

It's that time of the year again where the blues crop up and sometimes, even the strange thoughts that keep me very much awake at 3 a.m. (Is this really just once a year because I've been having them on and off for the past year? Hmm, interesting..) In less than two months, I'll be 25. I know, mababaw, to be terrified when I haven't even hit my 40s, even the 30s. This could be a pressure from seeing a lot of peers my age seeming to know what they want out of life and working their way towards it. Or probably having a ton of friends getting married, giving birth, celebrating their anniversaries with their better halves? I'm not sure. But what I'm certain about is this feeling of panic, like I'm tied to a chair to watch the sun go up and down everyday and do nothing about anything. Even in the mornings, I feel like I wouldn't be able to accomplish something worthy for the whole day. Depression? I don't think so. The past year has been such an emotional roller coaster for everything to come down to a bad case of the blues.

I've been trying to step back and look at the whole situation to see where I made the wrong turn. And for the life of me, I don't know where to look. Why am I in this situation? Didn't I really have any choice back then? Even before I started working, I already know that I have big shoes to fill. While everyone is biding their time waiting for their preferred jobs, I started diving into a mind-numbing work that stops the creative thought processes. The only important thing there is that it paid the bills, it put food in the table, never mind the fact that I was burning my stomach lining from pretending for it to be something bigger than it really is. I moved on, spent another 3 years and counting in doing something that I thought is a step up from the past one which in turn, brought me here in this foreign city and I now realize that this is what I've been trying to avoid my whole life.

Would things have been different if I waited and pursued a less mundane life? Unfortunately, I didn't have that privilege, the waiting, because there are people waiting for me to provide a living. Don't get me wrong, I love my family and I've been doing whatever I can to make sure that we have a half-decent life. This is also where the problem lies. I fuck up and they go down with me.

I want to just take that leap, start fresh, consequences be damned but I love my family too much to mess up. Being locked up in this soap box is getting old. I desperately need to reinvent myself or at least focus on another thing that would make me... better. And contrary to what people around me are suggesting, it's not the addition of a romantic angle. I don't need to add another complication and burden him with my emotional excesses.

So now, what to do? A big chunk is to probably look back and rediscover what it is that I enjoy doing and am passionate about. After channeling my energy into doing whatever it is, I'm positive that everything else will follow. Come to think of it, being happy boils down to enjoying what you're doing with your time, earning a living out of it is just icing on the cake.

The funny thing is, I don't know if everything I just wrote made a lick of sense.

I'm dead scared and worried. Is what I'm planning to do, the right step?