Life goals

"When you find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stand in front of you when other’s cast stones, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who will hold your hand when you're sick, who thinks you're pretty without makeup, the one who turns to his friends and say, ‘that’s her’, the one that would bear your rejection because losing you means losing his will to live, who kisses you when you screw up, watches the stars and names one for you and will hold and rock that baby for hours so you can sleep...you marry him all over again."

- Shannon Adler (from goodreads.com)

Fight or Let Go?

Stuck in between believing that something is worth fighting for and cutting my losses and just let go.

Do I have still have something to fight for? Am I just wasting our time and energy? Are we still in it for the long haul?

Did he move on? Am I willing to, if he did? Do I still try to find out if it's worth the effort?

Will I still trust? How long until I heal?

Message in a Bottle

I know you're out there somewhere and we've never met but I'm pretty sure we will, someday.

Looking forward to that day, when I am finally happy and when I finally found myself and my place in the world.

To the day when I am ready to tell you "I love you" without worrying if you'll say it back or if you even feel the same way because I am that secure. And I won't be afraid of hurts that love can give.

When I am finally ready to feel and risk and take. Prepared, for whoever you'll turn out to be. Prepared to be worthy of you as you are of me.

For now, I'll work on my way to "happy". So that I will be radiant when we meet. And you can't help but bask in my happiness, as well.

Blue is my favorite color

One of them introspective Saturdays. The ones where thoughts blindside you at 1 a.m.

What to do?

So I decided to end it. To stop all efforts in trying to attract him. In trying to impress him outside of work. I should learn not to expect anything from him from now on. Not special attention that crosses professional boundaries. No sweet nothings. Nada.

This way, we can continue on with business in a more professional-like manner. We can be more efficient and objective. And we can start becoming friends again. All good reasons. Easy for me to see this but I didn't know that the first few days would be so difficult.

I can't look at him without wavering. And he is always getting on my nerves lately even if he isn't doing anything untoward or inappropriate. Twice today, I lashed out at him in public. And the 2nd time seemed harder for him because he stopped approaching me entirely.

Deep in my heart, I know that I have this reaction because the circumstances are not going according to my plan of avoiding too much contact with him. I was acting like a bitch to push him away so I can forget him completely. But why am I feeling bad now? As if I kicked a poor puppy in the face? Didn't I get what I wanted, distance?

I want to apologize personally. Number 1 because we are still coworkers and I overstepped that boundary. Number 2, because whatever I was going through at the time, he was not aware of any of that. Number 3, because it is really wrong to snap at somebody just because they are trying to take your picture.

What should I do? What is the smart thing to do?

Lessons

Blurry and disoriented. No, I am not drunk, not today. I am merely thinking of a gazillion and one things and doing nothing about it. Money, career, the future, Monday, make up, healthy living, education, family, men, friends. The list is long and can go on all night but I choose to silence them all for a few minutes while I am writing. Before it takes me away again and eat at me little by little. I am back to that square of confusion again. That point where you don't have any idea of what to do next or what to focus on. I just want to be grateful for these lessons I learned lately:

1. Bitterness over refusing to forgive someone is worse than hurt pride.
2. Forgive myself for I never cease to become my own worst critic and enemy. 3. There are millions of people you can meet in this lifetime, it is humanly impossible to please every single one of them. So don't start with one for nothing.
4. "It takes a strong woman to speak her mind." - Pantene commercial
5. Always choose to do what is right.
6. Change, not for anyone else, but for yourself.

And lastly, emptiness is best destroyed by choosing to be filled with passion and a sense of purpose.

"Every second of the night, I live another life..."

Yours was the last face I expected to dream of. Just because I only always passed you by before, and now, not even anymore. With the little I knew about you, I was setting you up with another person who I thought would be a perfect match for you (because you look good together while working on events and because I want that girl to settle down soon hihi). That dream starring you and me, however, gave me chills... of the good kind. Your face was so vivid, and this is the first dream I can recall that my senses are so in tuned to the details. Your scent (at least in the dream), the feel of your skin against mine when you drew me really close and pecked my neck, your face, features... I can't remember much of what the dream was about but I can remember that you were there and for some reason, we looked and felt like a couple.

I don't really understand why, of all people, I'd dreamt about you. Before this, I didn't want anything to do with you. You were a Type-A, super achiever, the perfect gentleman, well-mannered and in control. You weren't in my radar because I believed then that you will never notice someone like me. So I stayed really far. But there you were in super HD, holding me close in a one-arm hug and nuzzling my head. I even hate you a little now because you made me yearn for something I have no business to think about. But as I go to sleep tonight, I wonder if I'll see you in dreamland again...