30 POUNDS

30 freaking pounds overweight. This is not good. I must stop eating McDo's, KFC's and BK's large fries, burgers and what-nots. Ergo, I must stop being too happy. Goodness, I hate growing up.

Q's

Kaya ko pa ba talaga?

Gusto ko ba talaga ito?

Matapang ba talaga ako?

Magaling ba talaga ako?

Ano ba talagang gusto ko?

Bakit parang lalo lang akong namamatay unti-unti araw araw?

May kahihinatnan ba yung pag-eeffort ko?

Up in the equator..

And here I am. A few months ago I wouldn't have imagined that I will be in the middle of a melting pot, hearing all kinds of languages from all over the world. That I am here, not just on vacation, but to stay and work is not just surprising but completely mind-blowing. I didn't think that I have the courage to withstand being away from family and friends and from the comfort of my former job in Manila but apparently, I kicked royal asses in that department. For one month a half, at least, I did and still at it.

So far, the first few weeks are not so bad, and not so good either. For the first time in forever, I lived in two different households, in a span of two months. The worst part is I'm thinking of moving again though I'm still not sure and I still have the option to wait out and stay. My job? Not so stellar, my performance in it and the situation, but I didn't come here to sit around and enjoy the sceneries anyway. I still have a year and 10 months and I am more than willing to take the punches aimed my way in this area.

For now, I can't say that I'm doing good because my grandma just passed away last week and I can't be with family at the moment. I just comfort myself with the thought that she is now in a better place and she finally got the rest that she has been wanting for the past few years.

And this will not be the end of it as I've barely started. I know there's more to come. This time though, I'll try not to be the wide-eyed, naive bumpkin from the greeneries but the kick-ass and tough girl that this country is teaching me to become.

UP, UP, I go

Forward, forward, I go.

Why now?

Why the hell not?

I don't know. I guess I'm just growing up and starting to think of things more important than me. And even though I'm scared witless of what can happen tomorrow, I've donned my steel armor, I'm more than ready for my battlefield. :)

Drama Queen

Today I realized that I want a dad who swears a lot, belch loudly, pick his nose, fart uncontrollably... and I will still love him like my giant duck stuffed toy because of all that and the fact that he will stand up to any guy who messes with me, hug me during bad days, and treat me like his little girl forever (now I sound like a wound-up tween).

But then again, I don't always get what I want.

In times like this, it would be really nice to have my mom around. Or even just my room and a couple of DVDs to soothe me and to prevent me from throwing whatever comes handy and swearing.

Surprisingly, the rage subsided almost completely. I'm just left torn between proving my worth or getting a fresh start. At the rate things are going, I'm wanting a clean slate. But what I want, I'm not gonna get that easily.

Lit

As soon as a friend introduced Nora Roberts and I learned of Neil Gaiman and Stephen King, I forgot my first love: poems. Here's one by Sara Teasdale:

But Not To Me

The April night is still and sweet
With flowers on every tree;
Peace comes to them on quiet feet,
But not to me.

My peace is hidden in his breast
Where I shall never be,
Love comes to-night to all the rest,
But not to me.