2014!

Resolutions sound ominous to me like it is doomed to remain, well, resolutions. For this year, I am adapting what I admire in my new acquaintances at work's top quality: the ability to plan well and to execute said plans, by hook or by crook. So for this year, I planned and hopefully ( by God's grace), I will be able to carry them out one by one. :)

2014 Plans:

1. Attend a new spiritual group/sect. Not because I don't believe in my current church anymore but because I want to have a better foundation. I admit that I am feeling a bit lost for quite some time now and I am not glorifying my Creator in things I say and do. Therefore, a careful review of where I went wrong and to pray, really hard.

2. Save and spend wisely. To pay off outstanding debts, send my brother off to college, for travelling, for a new phone, for a new adventure.

3. Travel alone. To meet new people, expand my horizons, learn how to deal with strangers, develop my sense of direction and self-confidence.

4. Learn to swim. For better lung function and kick off asthma, lose weight (hopefully) and holistic health.

5. Be a better daughter. And a better friend to people who matter the most.
This surely is a plan that might take more than a year but because of its importance, I can be flexible. I am willing to wait. :)

6. Continue writing, learn a new language and hone my skills at the guitar. Stems from my lack of self-confidence and thinking that I am not interesting enough. I'll stop here with the drama. :P

And lastly, to be more thankful and grateful for everything that I already have. Last year, things went really wrong when I stopped being happy with the things bestowed on me and I started asking for more. When I didn't get enough, things went downhill for me. There's nothing wrong with wanting more, but having the wrong perspective and heart is where it will start to become problematic.

So this year, in good and bad, I will be more thankful. And if God would not want me to have the 1st 6 2014 plans that I've set for myself, I will trust Him to have something way better in store for me.

2013 Christmas Blues

Another bluesy Christmas. And another New Year, Valentine's, birthday to spend with well-meaning family and friends, but otherwise, all alone. I've read up on no-boyfriend-since-birth on blogs again while listening to At Seventeen by Janis Ian, on a Christmas Eve, to boot. All while thinking where I went wrong.

Wallowing in my pity party where all girls with weight issues, girls who are not physically attractive, girls who are funny as defense mechanism, girls who are not smart enough, girls who are not interesting enough are all invited to uncelebrate with me. We will be sharing stories after stories of how we were attracted to boys and men who never felt the same. We will be lamenting on how we never got flowers and chocolates and teddy bears during birthdays and Valentine's from supposed-beaus.

We will raise our wine glasses to us who never warranted a second glance from the opposite sex due to attraction (they might have but for entirely different purposes such as ridiculous outfits and absent-mindedness). We will laugh about our lack of suitors, lack of guys crushing on us, lack of a concrete and nakakakilig na encounter to tell our girlfriends over Friday-night dinners.

It could be funny and tragic at the same time. I could read all the self-help book there is on how to relate with the opposite sex, on how to gain confidence; try to make it all work for a month, two, a year. After some time, with the lack of results and plenty of heartaches, I will be back to square one. That miserable square where they will ask you on holiday family gatherings on why you are still single and you can't answer without 1.sounding desperate and 2.offending those who are miserably married. The square where girls like me will pretend not to feel lonely at solo-movie screenings and dinner-outs, and those who will tell you that all the good ones are taken and gay.

Then, after a day or two, all will be alright again. I will feel beautiful and confident but until then,

"To those of us who knew the pain,
Of Valentine's that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
T'was long ago and far away,
the world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free,
To ugly duckling girls like me..."
- At Seventeen, Janis Ian

P.S. please excuse any grammar lapse, I am on outpour mode, so for most part, I don't really care...

Open letter to my ex-kasabay

I know I said I don't want you anymore and that I never missed you when you were gone for a whole month. That you were gay and totally into men. That there is nothing that attracts me to you in the first place.

But the truth of the matter is, I just can't reconcile myself to the idea of liking someone too much and getting rejected in the end. Plus, I don't believe that I can have something as sweet and special as how they portrayed love and romance in the novels. I never thought that I am the kind of girl who would fall for that crap.

So, yes, I lied. Not with thinking that you possibly have the same gender preference as I do (given the evidence, there's still a 50% chance). I still want you, but I wouldn't know what to do with you and me if by some miracle, you'll realize that you want me too.

#deardiary #confessions #dahilwalanamangnakakabasa #tarana #atmagilusyon

Pondering

Can you hold on to me a little bit tighter? Because I am slowly losing grip and honestly, I don't know if I have it in me to hoist myself back.

Am I really meant to lose it for some time? So the story that I can tell is a little bit clearer? A little bit more sincere? A bit more moving?

Did I make a move too soon? Was I really honest when I took that step? Was it you, or was it my selfish motives?

ramblings of a deranged mind

He looks mighty fine.
He is awkward. As you are.
He is here now but might be gone tomorrow.
He is a risk.
He is not supposed to be safe.
He is a contradiction.

But he is an idea.
He is not real, a figment of your imagination.
He only exists in a made-up realm where there are only rainbows and butterflies and chocolates.

Still, he is there.
And you, you are here, looking from afar.
Because anywhere near shatters the illusion.

blah

Hey God, are you there? It's me, Kat, remember?

Bilang super secret ang blog blogan...

Nakakasawa magpaka-Superman. Nakakapagod din kapag ikaw lang ang may pakialam kung may pambayad ba ng kuryente, may bigas ba o kung hindi ba tayo mapuputulan ng water supply. Samantalang yung mga kasama mo sa bahay puro news, basketball, UFC, tennis, bodybuilding, syota at kung ano ano lang ang inaatupag.

Not to be insensitive to my family's plight pero kailan ba kayo naging sensitive sa plight ko?

(End of rant)