Blue is my favorite color

One of them introspective Saturdays. The ones where thoughts blindside you at 1 a.m.

What to do?

So I decided to end it. To stop all efforts in trying to attract him. In trying to impress him outside of work. I should learn not to expect anything from him from now on. Not special attention that crosses professional boundaries. No sweet nothings. Nada.

This way, we can continue on with business in a more professional-like manner. We can be more efficient and objective. And we can start becoming friends again. All good reasons. Easy for me to see this but I didn't know that the first few days would be so difficult.

I can't look at him without wavering. And he is always getting on my nerves lately even if he isn't doing anything untoward or inappropriate. Twice today, I lashed out at him in public. And the 2nd time seemed harder for him because he stopped approaching me entirely.

Deep in my heart, I know that I have this reaction because the circumstances are not going according to my plan of avoiding too much contact with him. I was acting like a bitch to push him away so I can forget him completely. But why am I feeling bad now? As if I kicked a poor puppy in the face? Didn't I get what I wanted, distance?

I want to apologize personally. Number 1 because we are still coworkers and I overstepped that boundary. Number 2, because whatever I was going through at the time, he was not aware of any of that. Number 3, because it is really wrong to snap at somebody just because they are trying to take your picture.

What should I do? What is the smart thing to do?

Lessons

Blurry and disoriented. No, I am not drunk, not today. I am merely thinking of a gazillion and one things and doing nothing about it. Money, career, the future, Monday, make up, healthy living, education, family, men, friends. The list is long and can go on all night but I choose to silence them all for a few minutes while I am writing. Before it takes me away again and eat at me little by little. I am back to that square of confusion again. That point where you don't have any idea of what to do next or what to focus on. I just want to be grateful for these lessons I learned lately:

1. Bitterness over refusing to forgive someone is worse than hurt pride.
2. Forgive myself for I never cease to become my own worst critic and enemy. 3. There are millions of people you can meet in this lifetime, it is humanly impossible to please every single one of them. So don't start with one for nothing.
4. "It takes a strong woman to speak her mind." - Pantene commercial
5. Always choose to do what is right.
6. Change, not for anyone else, but for yourself.

And lastly, emptiness is best destroyed by choosing to be filled with passion and a sense of purpose.

"Every second of the night, I live another life..."

Yours was the last face I expected to dream of. Just because I only always passed you by before, and now, not even anymore. With the little I knew about you, I was setting you up with another person who I thought would be a perfect match for you (because you look good together while working on events and because I want that girl to settle down soon hihi). That dream starring you and me, however, gave me chills... of the good kind. Your face was so vivid, and this is the first dream I can recall that my senses are so in tuned to the details. Your scent (at least in the dream), the feel of your skin against mine when you drew me really close and pecked my neck, your face, features... I can't remember much of what the dream was about but I can remember that you were there and for some reason, we looked and felt like a couple.

I don't really understand why, of all people, I'd dreamt about you. Before this, I didn't want anything to do with you. You were a Type-A, super achiever, the perfect gentleman, well-mannered and in control. You weren't in my radar because I believed then that you will never notice someone like me. So I stayed really far. But there you were in super HD, holding me close in a one-arm hug and nuzzling my head. I even hate you a little now because you made me yearn for something I have no business to think about. But as I go to sleep tonight, I wonder if I'll see you in dreamland again...

2014!

Resolutions sound ominous to me like it is doomed to remain, well, resolutions. For this year, I am adapting what I admire in my new acquaintances at work's top quality: the ability to plan well and to execute said plans, by hook or by crook. So for this year, I planned and hopefully ( by God's grace), I will be able to carry them out one by one. :)

2014 Plans:

1. Attend a new spiritual group/sect. Not because I don't believe in my current church anymore but because I want to have a better foundation. I admit that I am feeling a bit lost for quite some time now and I am not glorifying my Creator in things I say and do. Therefore, a careful review of where I went wrong and to pray, really hard.

2. Save and spend wisely. To pay off outstanding debts, send my brother off to college, for travelling, for a new phone, for a new adventure.

3. Travel alone. To meet new people, expand my horizons, learn how to deal with strangers, develop my sense of direction and self-confidence.

4. Learn to swim. For better lung function and kick off asthma, lose weight (hopefully) and holistic health.

5. Be a better daughter. And a better friend to people who matter the most.
This surely is a plan that might take more than a year but because of its importance, I can be flexible. I am willing to wait. :)

6. Continue writing, learn a new language and hone my skills at the guitar. Stems from my lack of self-confidence and thinking that I am not interesting enough. I'll stop here with the drama. :P

And lastly, to be more thankful and grateful for everything that I already have. Last year, things went really wrong when I stopped being happy with the things bestowed on me and I started asking for more. When I didn't get enough, things went downhill for me. There's nothing wrong with wanting more, but having the wrong perspective and heart is where it will start to become problematic.

So this year, in good and bad, I will be more thankful. And if God would not want me to have the 1st 6 2014 plans that I've set for myself, I will trust Him to have something way better in store for me.

2013 Christmas Blues

Another bluesy Christmas. And another New Year, Valentine's, birthday to spend with well-meaning family and friends, but otherwise, all alone. I've read up on no-boyfriend-since-birth on blogs again while listening to At Seventeen by Janis Ian, on a Christmas Eve, to boot. All while thinking where I went wrong.

Wallowing in my pity party where all girls with weight issues, girls who are not physically attractive, girls who are funny as defense mechanism, girls who are not smart enough, girls who are not interesting enough are all invited to uncelebrate with me. We will be sharing stories after stories of how we were attracted to boys and men who never felt the same. We will be lamenting on how we never got flowers and chocolates and teddy bears during birthdays and Valentine's from supposed-beaus.

We will raise our wine glasses to us who never warranted a second glance from the opposite sex due to attraction (they might have but for entirely different purposes such as ridiculous outfits and absent-mindedness). We will laugh about our lack of suitors, lack of guys crushing on us, lack of a concrete and nakakakilig na encounter to tell our girlfriends over Friday-night dinners.

It could be funny and tragic at the same time. I could read all the self-help book there is on how to relate with the opposite sex, on how to gain confidence; try to make it all work for a month, two, a year. After some time, with the lack of results and plenty of heartaches, I will be back to square one. That miserable square where they will ask you on holiday family gatherings on why you are still single and you can't answer without 1.sounding desperate and 2.offending those who are miserably married. The square where girls like me will pretend not to feel lonely at solo-movie screenings and dinner-outs, and those who will tell you that all the good ones are taken and gay.

Then, after a day or two, all will be alright again. I will feel beautiful and confident but until then,

"To those of us who knew the pain,
Of Valentine's that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
T'was long ago and far away,
the world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free,
To ugly duckling girls like me..."
- At Seventeen, Janis Ian

P.S. please excuse any grammar lapse, I am on outpour mode, so for most part, I don't really care...

Open letter to my ex-kasabay

I know I said I don't want you anymore and that I never missed you when you were gone for a whole month. That you were gay and totally into men. That there is nothing that attracts me to you in the first place.

But the truth of the matter is, I just can't reconcile myself to the idea of liking someone too much and getting rejected in the end. Plus, I don't believe that I can have something as sweet and special as how they portrayed love and romance in the novels. I never thought that I am the kind of girl who would fall for that crap.

So, yes, I lied. Not with thinking that you possibly have the same gender preference as I do (given the evidence, there's still a 50% chance). I still want you, but I wouldn't know what to do with you and me if by some miracle, you'll realize that you want me too.

#deardiary #confessions #dahilwalanamangnakakabasa #tarana #atmagilusyon