Get Out!

To: The Guy Who Must Not Be Named

Only 3 hours away before my wake-up time but I am still wide awake. Somehow, you managed to sneak into my mind again. Scratch that. You have been in my mind for most of my day, weekend, week, nah, 2 weeks!!!

I was the one who ended it, for one of the best reasons, if I may say so myself. Comparing to other break-up stories I've heard or read or known of, ours would have been the most justified. Replaying that last bit of conversation that we had, where I was half yelling out of frustration and you were clueless on why I wanted to end it. Thinking back and if I was asked if I would break up with you, I am certain that I will do the same thing.

Why then, after 2 weeks of not speaking, do I still miss you?! After that day, I was half relieved not to hear from you again, not to receive any calls asking whether I'm already up for work or whether I am on my way home. I was halfway-to-happy in thinking that moving on might come a bit earlier than expected.

After 2 weeks though, I finally found out why my emotions were only halfway through and this night proved that I might not be over it anytime soon. Now, I'm back to doubting myself. Did I make the right decision of ending us? Was I only too emotional when I made the decision, therefore, making it a wrong one?

If I will be completely honest with myself, (what the hell, I am talking to myself anyway) I would admit that it's all I've been thinking about. We're all I've been thinking about.

I am wondering if you still miss me.  If you are busy with work or talking to someone new. If things in my life will be easier if I can still tell you all about it. If you ever think of me whenever you're at the MRT station on your way home. If I can ever get my new router properly installed without your help.

I tried not to be in this situation of dwelling, wallowing, and of longing. I really tried. The card you gave me last Valentine's day is now in the trash. My new router will be here this week so I can give you back the one you lent me. I personally took your suit to the cleaners so we can give it back to you and hopefully release all reasons to communicate with you. I took up reading again and I talked to friends. I even took off to the mall several times to buy random things or just to eat for a quick diversion. All of that and all I get in return is a sleepless Sunday night, writing this crap up.

Seriously, I hope I can get my peaceful sleep back. I hope I will not have these thoughts anymore, not tonight or tomorrow or ever. I hope I can pass through my usual way home without thinking of you.

I am allowing myself to mourn, to wallow, to cry my eyes out for the next 2 weeks and round off this mourning period to a month. I really do hope it's sooner but if not, 1 month would be my limit.

After a month, I hope I can at least get back the life I had without you.

Heartfelt Thank You

for making me realize that there is strength in picking up the pieces and moving on.

For showing me what my "non-negotiables" are, everything I hated about you.

For treating me like how I don't want my future husband to treat me ever. Thank you for this lesson.

For pointing out my flaws as well and making me think of whether to change them or looking for someone who can love all of them.

For changing from good to whatever. It grounded me and snapped me back to the reality: things that are not really good will become stale and old in the long run.

For hurting me in unimaginable ways, because it made me one with the old adage: It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.

Life goals

"When you find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will stand in front of you when other’s cast stones, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who will hold your hand when you're sick, who thinks you're pretty without makeup, the one who turns to his friends and say, ‘that’s her’, the one that would bear your rejection because losing you means losing his will to live, who kisses you when you screw up, watches the stars and names one for you and will hold and rock that baby for hours so you can sleep...you marry him all over again."

- Shannon Adler (from goodreads.com)

Fight or Let Go?

Stuck in between believing that something is worth fighting for and cutting my losses and just let go.

Do I have still have something to fight for? Am I just wasting our time and energy? Are we still in it for the long haul?

Did he move on? Am I willing to, if he did? Do I still try to find out if it's worth the effort?

Will I still trust? How long until I heal?

Message in a Bottle

I know you're out there somewhere and we've never met but I'm pretty sure we will, someday.

Looking forward to that day, when I am finally happy and when I finally found myself and my place in the world.

To the day when I am ready to tell you "I love you" without worrying if you'll say it back or if you even feel the same way because I am that secure. And I won't be afraid of hurts that love can give.

When I am finally ready to feel and risk and take. Prepared, for whoever you'll turn out to be. Prepared to be worthy of you as you are of me.

For now, I'll work on my way to "happy". So that I will be radiant when we meet. And you can't help but bask in my happiness, as well.

Blue is my favorite color

One of them introspective Saturdays. The ones where thoughts blindside you at 1 a.m.

What to do?

So I decided to end it. To stop all efforts in trying to attract him. In trying to impress him outside of work. I should learn not to expect anything from him from now on. Not special attention that crosses professional boundaries. No sweet nothings. Nada.

This way, we can continue on with business in a more professional-like manner. We can be more efficient and objective. And we can start becoming friends again. All good reasons. Easy for me to see this but I didn't know that the first few days would be so difficult.

I can't look at him without wavering. And he is always getting on my nerves lately even if he isn't doing anything untoward or inappropriate. Twice today, I lashed out at him in public. And the 2nd time seemed harder for him because he stopped approaching me entirely.

Deep in my heart, I know that I have this reaction because the circumstances are not going according to my plan of avoiding too much contact with him. I was acting like a bitch to push him away so I can forget him completely. But why am I feeling bad now? As if I kicked a poor puppy in the face? Didn't I get what I wanted, distance?

I want to apologize personally. Number 1 because we are still coworkers and I overstepped that boundary. Number 2, because whatever I was going through at the time, he was not aware of any of that. Number 3, because it is really wrong to snap at somebody just because they are trying to take your picture.

What should I do? What is the smart thing to do?