I'm letting myself go.
I'm 21, a super single professional young woman who's got everything ahead of her and all I've been doing, alone and otherwise, is mope and whine about things I am stuck with and things that I don't have. All I need to do is step out of the office, walk the streets of EDSA ( some people would probably take a shot on guessing what my work is, but you're wrong... so wrong...hahhaaha) or Makati and I complain about the heat or the traffic or the crowd or anything. I often find myself looking into magazines and I'm off to thinking,"What wasn't I born with this?" or "what does he see in her in the first place?" and lots of other stuff that irritates the living hell out of people I talk to (even myself, whenever I think about it). Pure waste of time, is what it is and I've been indulging myself for quite some time now. And the worst part is, it is making me awfully sad about myself.
I was never content. The only time I can recall being satisfied about anything was when my mom brought our ex-puppy (Sidney) home and I fell in love right then and there. But otherwise, can't think of any other instance. And I have the nerve to tell a confused friend to be content with what is happening now and not worry about the future. Even while writing this down, I kept on deleting, rephrasing and reviewing to my exact specifications and worry that people who might read this (if there would be any...) would find it lacking...or worse, boring. Imagine me while coping with a day's work and you might just go mad watching.
One balmy Sunday afternoon, while staring at my ceiling and contemplating how my room can be cleaned up without me moving (which is nigh too impossible), I received a text message from a friend about one common friend (how confusing can things get?) who already has a child and is currently trudging a difficult time. I can't help but be moved because I know this friend well and we used to spend time daydreaming about things that we will be doing in the future. And now, she probably has to wait and dream other dreams because of the sudden (but not unwelcome) addition in her life. I have lots of friends who are going through tough times and looking at it from their perspective, their worries are more serious than the ones I have running inside my head. Their problems are mostly beyond their abilities to solve or to get out of. All of which, fueled my fevered mind to thinking that, hey, I am not the worst person ever created and I've lots of stuff that I should be thankful for given the circumstances. And right now is as good a time as any to list it all down. I am actually way, way overdue on this, but better late than never, right?
