2013 Christmas Blues

Another bluesy Christmas. And another New Year, Valentine's, birthday to spend with well-meaning family and friends, but otherwise, all alone. I've read up on no-boyfriend-since-birth on blogs again while listening to At Seventeen by Janis Ian, on a Christmas Eve, to boot. All while thinking where I went wrong.

Wallowing in my pity party where all girls with weight issues, girls who are not physically attractive, girls who are funny as defense mechanism, girls who are not smart enough, girls who are not interesting enough are all invited to uncelebrate with me. We will be sharing stories after stories of how we were attracted to boys and men who never felt the same. We will be lamenting on how we never got flowers and chocolates and teddy bears during birthdays and Valentine's from supposed-beaus.

We will raise our wine glasses to us who never warranted a second glance from the opposite sex due to attraction (they might have but for entirely different purposes such as ridiculous outfits and absent-mindedness). We will laugh about our lack of suitors, lack of guys crushing on us, lack of a concrete and nakakakilig na encounter to tell our girlfriends over Friday-night dinners.

It could be funny and tragic at the same time. I could read all the self-help book there is on how to relate with the opposite sex, on how to gain confidence; try to make it all work for a month, two, a year. After some time, with the lack of results and plenty of heartaches, I will be back to square one. That miserable square where they will ask you on holiday family gatherings on why you are still single and you can't answer without 1.sounding desperate and 2.offending those who are miserably married. The square where girls like me will pretend not to feel lonely at solo-movie screenings and dinner-outs, and those who will tell you that all the good ones are taken and gay.

Then, after a day or two, all will be alright again. I will feel beautiful and confident but until then,

"To those of us who knew the pain,
Of Valentine's that never came,
And those whose names were never called
When choosing sides for basketball.
T'was long ago and far away,
the world was younger than today
And dreams were all they gave for free,
To ugly duckling girls like me..."
- At Seventeen, Janis Ian

P.S. please excuse any grammar lapse, I am on outpour mode, so for most part, I don't really care...

Open letter to my ex-kasabay

I know I said I don't want you anymore and that I never missed you when you were gone for a whole month. That you were gay and totally into men. That there is nothing that attracts me to you in the first place.

But the truth of the matter is, I just can't reconcile myself to the idea of liking someone too much and getting rejected in the end. Plus, I don't believe that I can have something as sweet and special as how they portrayed love and romance in the novels. I never thought that I am the kind of girl who would fall for that crap.

So, yes, I lied. Not with thinking that you possibly have the same gender preference as I do (given the evidence, there's still a 50% chance). I still want you, but I wouldn't know what to do with you and me if by some miracle, you'll realize that you want me too.

#deardiary #confessions #dahilwalanamangnakakabasa #tarana #atmagilusyon

Pondering

Can you hold on to me a little bit tighter? Because I am slowly losing grip and honestly, I don't know if I have it in me to hoist myself back.

Am I really meant to lose it for some time? So the story that I can tell is a little bit clearer? A little bit more sincere? A bit more moving?

Did I make a move too soon? Was I really honest when I took that step? Was it you, or was it my selfish motives?

ramblings of a deranged mind

He looks mighty fine.
He is awkward. As you are.
He is here now but might be gone tomorrow.
He is a risk.
He is not supposed to be safe.
He is a contradiction.

But he is an idea.
He is not real, a figment of your imagination.
He only exists in a made-up realm where there are only rainbows and butterflies and chocolates.

Still, he is there.
And you, you are here, looking from afar.
Because anywhere near shatters the illusion.

blah

Hey God, are you there? It's me, Kat, remember?

Bilang super secret ang blog blogan...

Nakakasawa magpaka-Superman. Nakakapagod din kapag ikaw lang ang may pakialam kung may pambayad ba ng kuryente, may bigas ba o kung hindi ba tayo mapuputulan ng water supply. Samantalang yung mga kasama mo sa bahay puro news, basketball, UFC, tennis, bodybuilding, syota at kung ano ano lang ang inaatupag.

Not to be insensitive to my family's plight pero kailan ba kayo naging sensitive sa plight ko?

(End of rant)

Of true beauty

I was watching Radha in The Voice and was marvelling over her vocal prowess when papa commented on her weight. I retorted, "Kaya nga The Voice di ba? Looks shouldn't be an issue. At saka maganda kaya s'ya."

He said, "Kahit na, kahit anong ganda ng babae kapag mataba nawawala din."

The argument went on with me defending beauty plus talent versus weight and naturally I think won because he stopped.

Bigla kong na-realize, I shouldn't marry a guy who thinks the same way papa does. Guys who think this way should be beaten up hanggang maging kamukha nila si Derek Ramsey. Kidding aside, it is true pala that most guys are really shallow. They look at women and pick out who they think is the best one based on the shell alone. Doesn't matter if they are smart or witty or responsible or successful or eto na lang eh, a good person. For guys like papa, those are just icing on the cake.

Or am I just disappointed because it was my own father who made the careless and stupid comment? I don't know. I just realized how important it is to choose the guy you'll fall in love with. One more item on my list: find a guy who will love you even at your worst day.

Choosy na kung choosy but I won't end up with a guy who thinks that women should all look like Rosie Huntington-Whiteley at any age and beat myself up when I can't quite measure up. Kakain na lang ako nang Cadbury Milk Chocolate all day rather than put up with their nonsense, kahit kasing hot pa yan ni Henry Cavill.

Grr.

Insomnia

Stupid to be in this rut, waiting. For something to happen. And then nothing does. It would be very difficult to believe if somebody is to tell me that this is not a punishment. Because it sure feels like one. Because nothing else would hurt this much, like being hacked at with a dull and rusted blade. And feeling stupid for ever feeling that way because it all started with a shallow and meaningless ping that morphed into a delusional craving. A stupid obsession containing a mix of scenes that happened and some that happened only in my mind. Scenes that may or may not have meant something, to you or me or to anyone who cared to say a word about it.

If all of this only made sense, I wouldn't be writing it at all.

The Art of Saying "No"

Inasmuch as I hate to admit it, I am a certified people-pleaser. I stretch myself thin trying to gain people'sd approval. And saying no to them, is simply not an answer.

Which is why I am in a weird bender right now. In my attempt to please everyone, I say yay to every request, to every invitation. In the process, not only am I all over the damned place, I totally forgot how to please myself.

They say smart women know how and when to say no.Right now, I don't feel like I'm one of them. I should perfect this art and probably be happier and more content with my decisions. And hopefully as a result, have people like me for me, not for what I can do for them.

Made beauty of my mess. Again.

The Father hitting a flock of birds (metaphorically, teehee) with 2 stones from Matthew 14:22-36 and 15:1-20. All of my questions and lessons that I have to relearn at this very moment answered in 2 stories. I have been praying (and grumbling) to God about a lot of things that have gone wrong lately and instead of actively seeking Him by fighting for my quiet time and putting His word and commandments into my heart, I took things in my own hands and ventured into a sojourn of doubts and disobedience. From time to time, I did manage to find time to talk to Him and read His word but in retrospect, I was acting more like I was God and telling Him what I wanted to happen, instead of giving up control and trusting His ways. Time and again, a Singapore-haze-like cloud which was my pride, blurs my understanding which made me more confused and rebellious.


Tonight's quiet time proved that God actively pursues His children who may have lost their way temporarily and those who are yet to find Him. I am truly blessed to have known Him and accepted Him as my God and savior. Because of this, I learned how to forgive and be less critical with myself and also to seek forgiveness (which is my number 1 agenda tomorrow) and be forgiving to others (especially those who matter like family and friends whom I am more likely to hurt and vice versa).


I understand that my slip is far from over. That this is just the beginning of a long pruning process. I still am praying for faith to believe and trust in Him and the best thing about our God, no matter how often we doubt and hurt Him, He never runs out of love and understanding.