Up in the equator..

And here I am. A few months ago I wouldn't have imagined that I will be in the middle of a melting pot, hearing all kinds of languages from all over the world. That I am here, not just on vacation, but to stay and work is not just surprising but completely mind-blowing. I didn't think that I have the courage to withstand being away from family and friends and from the comfort of my former job in Manila but apparently, I kicked royal asses in that department. For one month a half, at least, I did and still at it.

So far, the first few weeks are not so bad, and not so good either. For the first time in forever, I lived in two different households, in a span of two months. The worst part is I'm thinking of moving again though I'm still not sure and I still have the option to wait out and stay. My job? Not so stellar, my performance in it and the situation, but I didn't come here to sit around and enjoy the sceneries anyway. I still have a year and 10 months and I am more than willing to take the punches aimed my way in this area.

For now, I can't say that I'm doing good because my grandma just passed away last week and I can't be with family at the moment. I just comfort myself with the thought that she is now in a better place and she finally got the rest that she has been wanting for the past few years.

And this will not be the end of it as I've barely started. I know there's more to come. This time though, I'll try not to be the wide-eyed, naive bumpkin from the greeneries but the kick-ass and tough girl that this country is teaching me to become.

UP, UP, I go

Forward, forward, I go.

Why now?

Why the hell not?

I don't know. I guess I'm just growing up and starting to think of things more important than me. And even though I'm scared witless of what can happen tomorrow, I've donned my steel armor, I'm more than ready for my battlefield. :)

Drama Queen

Today I realized that I want a dad who swears a lot, belch loudly, pick his nose, fart uncontrollably... and I will still love him like my giant duck stuffed toy because of all that and the fact that he will stand up to any guy who messes with me, hug me during bad days, and treat me like his little girl forever (now I sound like a wound-up tween).

But then again, I don't always get what I want.

In times like this, it would be really nice to have my mom around. Or even just my room and a couple of DVDs to soothe me and to prevent me from throwing whatever comes handy and swearing.

Surprisingly, the rage subsided almost completely. I'm just left torn between proving my worth or getting a fresh start. At the rate things are going, I'm wanting a clean slate. But what I want, I'm not gonna get that easily.

Lit

As soon as a friend introduced Nora Roberts and I learned of Neil Gaiman and Stephen King, I forgot my first love: poems. Here's one by Sara Teasdale:

But Not To Me

The April night is still and sweet
With flowers on every tree;
Peace comes to them on quiet feet,
But not to me.

My peace is hidden in his breast
Where I shall never be,
Love comes to-night to all the rest,
But not to me.

One hour ago, I was terribly conflicted. Now, I'm just plain tired but nonetheless resolute in my decision. I'm taking this step by step and if, after I lay out my side they still want to take me on, then I'll be letting what I've come to love go. All this because I'm more than ready for the next chapter, the bigger challenge. And along with this anticipation, attached is the hope that I stick with what is in store for me. I'm dead tired of having to settle with what's readily available and I'm getting too old for fleeting interests. I'm so ready to fall in love. :)

God sure has a sense of humor

Just when I thought I was just waiting for the right gush of wind so I can take my flight, things happened to remind me to think it over and slow down. I was SO positive that everything is going the way I planned then suddenly, when I was so blissful and my defenses were down, piles of debris fell down and blocked my path. Now, I'm once again in a rut, unsure of whether to trudge forward or walk sidewards.

BUT I am still hopeful. Yes, I know hope can paralyze you into standing still and just wait for things to fall into place but when you're wildly grasping for something to hold onto, hope is the only thing left. So I'm still hoping that everything will go well and will also put another plan into action.

Reaching my threshold

Tired of dealing with pumped up male egos. God help me hold on to my sanity.

Bakit ba kasi ang yabang nitong kausap ko?!

WAITING

SUCKS, PERIOD.

EXCITED :)

Currently holding out for something. And I am just so excited to know everything in store for me. Can't barely sit still! :)

Anticipation

IS this it? Hoping this interview will come through just fine. I've been doing this for MONTHS and frankly, I'm getting a bit tired of the same routine of working myself up over it then finding myself hanging out of nowhere, without any word of whether I passed or stunk big time.

SO if this is really for me, then so be it. Universe, let this not be a waste of my time. :)

Because of a lot of things, I noticed that my reading list have been growing way too long. To add insult to injury, I bought books that are not part of the list. And furthermore, I want to add Jonathan Franzen's Freedom to it. Goodness, where to start?

Way Too Negative ME

Re-reading my previous posts and noticed that most entries are either gloomy or angry. And I totally forgot that I used to love writing stuff down. So from now on, I'll try to be happy about small things and write about them. Oh-kay, probably I'll just start tomorrow. ;)

Flutterbys in my stomach...

Whenever I walk past you. AGAIN. I thought I got over this high-school-y thing back when you started checking "babies" out. Then it was all disgust and indifference. And now sadly, I'm back to square one. More walks for my dog starting tonight, I guess. =p

HITTING A HUGE R-U-T

One minute I was in the clouds and now, I'm back in the gutters. Such is my tolerance for energy-boosts.

WHEN WILL I MOVE FORWARD????

Crime and suspense

My newest addiction, Criminal Minds! Delving into the mind processes of heinous criminals are proving to be fascinating. I'll elaborate on this soon as I can.

STAYING...

POSITIVE! Letting the positive energy in...

Channeling my energy

into something very exciting. But then again, will I take this on? Is this a better path for me?

I envy some of my friends and colleagues who can afford to take a risk. In my current state, I don't think I can be brave to take the next step without making sure that I'll land safe.

But just the same, I will never see what's on the other side of the mirror without walking into it.

What will I choose?

Somebody's Single. Again. :)

Eh ano naman sa 'kin ngayon? Gusto ko lang naman mangiti, anu bang masama dun? X)

So my eye-candy is once again, piling up. Keep 'em coming... Haha :)

MUST WATCH

Eternal Sunshine of a Spotless Mind

and Inception. SOON! Or I'll go crazy.. :(

CALL ME :)

Every day without a single call from "you" makes my resolve weaker. I really wish you'd call, even just to tell me that I didn't make it. But I'm fervently hoping that I'll make it through. :)

Misc:

It's been three days and I'm still listening nonstop to Aiza Seguerra's rendition of "I Miss You Like Crazy". Sad part, I really don't know who I'm missing. Pathetic.

PICK ME!

I'll probably get a crick from having my fingers crossed since yesterday. After everything that happened, things look really better than where I am right now. I pray that I'm not leading myself on. Please, PICK ME? ;)

LSS

"I know every mile will be worth my while,
When I go the distance I'll be right where I belong.."

Sana nag-review muna ako..

Things to remember before stepping into the gaping earth: The latest SAP R/3 version is Enterprise Portal 7.0, before that was ECC 6.0. :)

To Excel

One must love what one does.
So I must love what I'm doing...

Okay... I think I'll just look for other things to excel in. XD

Me :)

"I must learn to love the fool in me the one who feels too much, talks too much, takes too many chances, wins sometimes and loses often, lacks self-control, loves and hates, hurts and gets hurt, promises and breaks promises, laughs and cries."

Self-love in the words of Theodore Isaac Rubin

Everyday Blahs

It's not really the lack of inspiration.

I remember the boy

Crystal clear. Like it happened yesterday. Like you happened to me all over again.

Bad that you were so typical. Good that I'm not a dreamy-eyed bimbo who couldn't see that you are just like the rest of your specie.

Bitteresa? No. I just hate it when you can still make me grin like a fool after so many years of absence.

Crazy about...

I have the sterling reputation of a level-headed, jaded cynic. One look at his prowess in the pitch and his stunning eyes and I've turned into a mindless, screaming schoolgirl:

What's New?

Nothing much. Except for some very unexpected thrills:

• I am now officially a New Spanish National Football Team fan! (Thanks to Manang, I discovered a whole new batch of eye-candy)
• Madly, deeply, sincerely in love with Spanish striker David Villa. Split three-way with Manang and Yani. I'll settle for anything, David. Anything.
  
• I'm all booked for our Cebu-Bohol trip in October! Now all I have to do is pay-up Manang, save for the pocket-money. (Piece of cake, I just won't eat for 2 weeks straight.)
• Energized with newfound knowledge in goal-setting, positivism, realism..
  
• Yes, I'll keep on moving forward. :)

Akala ko straightforward ako but everyone who knows me says different. And today, it feels really good to just say what's on your mind. To not veil your emotions and hind behind all kinds of bullshit. Tonight's sleep would be priceless, I bet.

The Bitter Lesson

Emotions and friendship don't mean dick in business. I should carve this on my forehead and grow up.

Tama nga ang patron saint kong si Samantha sa Sex and the City, "I love ME more."

My mantra for today: "Comparisons are designed to make somebody fall short of the other's glory."

Don't get me wrong, I appreciate the sentiment of trying to pump my enthusiasm. To challenge me to do things differently. And believe me, I was affected. I wanted to prove myself and show that I'm willing to change for the better.

But my weak side was affected in a different light. It's as if the inconsistencies in me that I was waiting to show has already made an appearance. A few days back, I asked God to show me a sign of whether or not I'm still where I'm supposed to be, doing what I'm supposed to do. And after THAT conversation, I felt as though the great cosmic void is telling me to get the hell out. That this, what I'm doing 8 hours every day, is clearly not for me. And I'm scared spitless of what is beyond what became my comfort zone (shit, 2 years and I can't move my damn butt, palakpakan).

Now what mask shall I put on? The broad-minded, go-getter me or the human one?

The doctor is out

Shutting everything and everyone, out. Now, I have more time to lurk. :)

Last night's read

"Each time you happen to me all over again." - The Age of Innocence

Monday Blues

Kung sino man ang nagsabing 2 days lang ang considered na weekends, pakilala n'yo sa 'kin para i-explain ko sa kanya 'yung disadvantages ng ginawa n'ya.

Kulang ang 2-day weekend ko. :( Akala ko kaya 'kong ilagay sa FB shoutout ko ang "Nothing beats a complete weekend." with smiley. Hindi pala.

Sana lang tumigil na 'yung replay ng Will and Grace sa utak ko para makapagtrabaho na 'ko. NGAYON NA.

Blah again

These are one of the very few times that I'm owning up to being sad and lonely. And by tomorrow, I'll be struggling back to happy all over again.

Level: DIFFICULT

Why are my these past years the most confusing for me? Why can't ANYTHING be easy?

Magaling. Bravo. Hindi kasi ikaw 'yung gagawa kaya ok ka mag-suggest eh. Iba ka...

'Di Mapagsidlang Kaligayahan

Excited ka na naman? 'Wag mo na 'kong idamay teh kung ayaw mong masaktan. :)

Grrr

'Pag nga naman problema, sa 'kin talaga ang bagsak 'di ba? Go me! Ang galing ko, shet na 'yan.

Q's

Am I where I'm supposed to be? Am I who I think I must be?

1 up!

I can look at you blankly without faltering now. Yehey! 1 step forward for me!

The past year's events (and the past few months'..) made it so difficult for me to be happy. But thank God for these people...

Blah blah

There are days when all you want to do is curl up in a ball and shut the rest of the world out. And doggone it, I've been having them for weeks now... Can someone please, give me a break?

Blah

I wasn't looking for anything but I saw you. And now, you're making me yearn for something I shouldn't be thinking about...