I Want To Live In a Jude Devereaux World

In these times of self-doubt (which btw happens quite often), my last resort would always be to cry out to the universe for a do-over. A la Jude Devereaux's Summerhouse. 

I'll probably go back in time to before uni exams and choose Nursing. I'll keep in mind to study harder than ever and finish with flying colors. Land a job in a local, public hospital then fly off to Canada or Switzerland after 3 yrs. Work my ass off, save enough money, invest my money, take up with a hot Caucasian, join Doctors w/o Borders or some charity. Marry said person after an inordinate amount of time (where I have made sure that he worships the land I walk on), have 2 beautiful kids and live happily ever after. I'll see the ramifications of going down this kind of life and finally choose between my actual life now and that fantasy.

 I wonder which life I will choose.

There is this other optimistic (bordering on stupid) part of me who believes that this phase will pass. That there will come a time when the struggles will all be worth it. I wouldn't feel so small, insecure, defensive, pitiful and desperate any longer. However, I never give myself the opportunity to paint what the good life looks like. Or did I ever have the luxury of time to think about this at all?

It's been going on for so long, all these doubts and ugly things in my head (most of the time in my actual day to day life) that my idea of beautiful and happy are stories of fictional people that I keep in my head. To the point that I empathize (completely, I would like to believe) and I often find myself daydreaming of how these fairytale lives would look and feel like instead of focusing on my own shit. 

Is it because I don't want to deal with the pain and the internal war of confidence and self-doubt in my head? I would want to believe that I faced my fair share of being a warrior too many times for me to be in denial now. Or maybe, I haven't? I don't fucking know and I desperately want to find out how to get past this or if there is even a way out? 

I don't want to compare myself with my contemporaries (even those who came after me) and end up falling short, per my standard and the world's. It's becoming a cycle of feeling good-failing-mediocrity-surviving-good luck that I am getting sick of because of the uncertainties and the helpless feeling of not being in control of my whole life and destiny. 

So, Jude Devereaux, can you help a girl out? Can you include me in The Return to Summerhouse please?