UP, UP, I go

Forward, forward, I go.

Why now?

Why the hell not?

I don't know. I guess I'm just growing up and starting to think of things more important than me. And even though I'm scared witless of what can happen tomorrow, I've donned my steel armor, I'm more than ready for my battlefield. :)

Drama Queen

Today I realized that I want a dad who swears a lot, belch loudly, pick his nose, fart uncontrollably... and I will still love him like my giant duck stuffed toy because of all that and the fact that he will stand up to any guy who messes with me, hug me during bad days, and treat me like his little girl forever (now I sound like a wound-up tween).

But then again, I don't always get what I want.

In times like this, it would be really nice to have my mom around. Or even just my room and a couple of DVDs to soothe me and to prevent me from throwing whatever comes handy and swearing.

Surprisingly, the rage subsided almost completely. I'm just left torn between proving my worth or getting a fresh start. At the rate things are going, I'm wanting a clean slate. But what I want, I'm not gonna get that easily.

Lit

As soon as a friend introduced Nora Roberts and I learned of Neil Gaiman and Stephen King, I forgot my first love: poems. Here's one by Sara Teasdale:

But Not To Me

The April night is still and sweet
With flowers on every tree;
Peace comes to them on quiet feet,
But not to me.

My peace is hidden in his breast
Where I shall never be,
Love comes to-night to all the rest,
But not to me.

One hour ago, I was terribly conflicted. Now, I'm just plain tired but nonetheless resolute in my decision. I'm taking this step by step and if, after I lay out my side they still want to take me on, then I'll be letting what I've come to love go. All this because I'm more than ready for the next chapter, the bigger challenge. And along with this anticipation, attached is the hope that I stick with what is in store for me. I'm dead tired of having to settle with what's readily available and I'm getting too old for fleeting interests. I'm so ready to fall in love. :)

God sure has a sense of humor

Just when I thought I was just waiting for the right gush of wind so I can take my flight, things happened to remind me to think it over and slow down. I was SO positive that everything is going the way I planned then suddenly, when I was so blissful and my defenses were down, piles of debris fell down and blocked my path. Now, I'm once again in a rut, unsure of whether to trudge forward or walk sidewards.

BUT I am still hopeful. Yes, I know hope can paralyze you into standing still and just wait for things to fall into place but when you're wildly grasping for something to hold onto, hope is the only thing left. So I'm still hoping that everything will go well and will also put another plan into action.