Mama

I miss Mama. I don't why why tonight I suddenly thought of everything she has done for me which promptly brought on three buckets of tears. Distance is never good for me and my family emotionally. As I've said, I've never been away for long stretches of time and never felt the urge to do so if not for the fact that I need to earn more. Thinking about them, especially my mom, like this is not good at 3 in the morning because I am feeling the urge to solve this. I vow from today that I will only stay overseas to work and once I saved up enough to give us a comfortable life back home, I will go back and stay with my family and take care of my mom and pop. Being away from her for good is unthinkable since I am busting my ass off trying to make sure that we'll have a good life so not seeing them enjoy it is pointless.

Ok enough drama for tonight, I'll go grab an Advil for this headache caused by the inexplicable urge to bawl.

DEEPER IN YOU

I've read a lot of things (books, stuff on the net, the Bible) and heard a lot of people say that one way to let off stress is to think about all the things in your life that you are most thankful for. So since I'm in the mood for some melodramatic thoughts tonight, let me lay all that down:

1. Thankful for finding my way back to a relationship with God. To be honest, this is always a work-in-progress for me since I am never the nice girl who never speaks ill of anybody and I always falter in leaving all the control up to Him. Getting into a church that tirelessly remind me to serve God by serving His nation proved to be a big help and hopefully this year, I can be a better Christian and also a better person.

2. For SG friends (Lani, Ray, Kuya Jay and Ate Jules). I've only met every one of them here but they have proven time and again that I am lucky to have a family away from home. I wouldn't say that we have a perfectly harmonious relationship with each other but I appreciate the fact that they, in turn, treat me as family.

3. Family and friends back home. They might not be physically here but the continuous support and understanding I got from them helped me tremendously during the toughest days. They are the people I can run back to during the most dreadful circumstances and be sure that I will be accepted and loved.

4. And lastly, all the bad things that happened to me. They might have crushed me temporarily this past year but I can't help but still be thankful. Grateful because they made me realize that failing at something is not the end of the world. It is a truly humbling experience and I got to know who among the people around me, are the real ones.

To end this drama, quoting Sigmund Freud, "One day, in retrospect, the years of struggle will strike you as the most beautiful". I'm not even in a point where I can say that I am comfortable and thriving but thinking about the people and things I enumerated above made every struggle worth my while.

So 2011...

That title ^ is horrible but I can't think of anything profound or catchy right now and I won't even try. Past few months have been a whirl of tears, of laughter, of sweating and anxieties. Scratch that, the whole of 2011 have been a complete emotional roller coaster ride for me. There are up-there-in-the-heavens time, down in the sewers, a lot of lost-in-translation moments, and floating aimlessly in the streets of Singapore. Yes, I made it a year (and few months now) of working in a foreign land without any family or old friends, of not going back home for vacation (as some are used to do since SG is only 3 hours away from RP). The nerd who was never away from home for long stretches of time, and doesn't know how to cook a decent meal, IS STILL ALIVE.

It was all a blur to me. One minute I was contemplating resignation from the company I've been with in Manila and the next, I'm moving to Singapore, facing the tough recruiter's life I've had with the first company I've been with, and now, enduring yet another challenge. My stomach's been twisted up in knots and have had its share of too much acidity and the occasional butterflies this past year, it's a surprise it is still there (though not that helpful in digestion since I gained a lot of poundsss). But yeah, I made it through 2011 and living a few days of 2012 which I wouldn't be in without the help of a few friends who made sure I wouldn't jump off Marina Bay Sands (what a way to go..), the support and understanding of my family back in Manila and my renewed faith in my Protector, Healer, Redeemer, Deliverer, Saviour and most importantly, my Best Friend.