Get Out!

To: The Guy Who Must Not Be Named

Only 3 hours away before my wake-up time but I am still wide awake. Somehow, you managed to sneak into my mind again. Scratch that. You have been in my mind for most of my day, weekend, week, nah, 2 weeks!!!

I was the one who ended it, for one of the best reasons, if I may say so myself. Comparing to other break-up stories I've heard or read or known of, ours would have been the most justified. Replaying that last bit of conversation that we had, where I was half yelling out of frustration and you were clueless on why I wanted to end it. Thinking back and if I was asked if I would break up with you, I am certain that I will do the same thing.

Why then, after 2 weeks of not speaking, do I still miss you?! After that day, I was half relieved not to hear from you again, not to receive any calls asking whether I'm already up for work or whether I am on my way home. I was halfway-to-happy in thinking that moving on might come a bit earlier than expected.

After 2 weeks though, I finally found out why my emotions were only halfway through and this night proved that I might not be over it anytime soon. Now, I'm back to doubting myself. Did I make the right decision of ending us? Was I only too emotional when I made the decision, therefore, making it a wrong one?

If I will be completely honest with myself, (what the hell, I am talking to myself anyway) I would admit that it's all I've been thinking about. We're all I've been thinking about.

I am wondering if you still miss me.  If you are busy with work or talking to someone new. If things in my life will be easier if I can still tell you all about it. If you ever think of me whenever you're at the MRT station on your way home. If I can ever get my new router properly installed without your help.

I tried not to be in this situation of dwelling, wallowing, and of longing. I really tried. The card you gave me last Valentine's day is now in the trash. My new router will be here this week so I can give you back the one you lent me. I personally took your suit to the cleaners so we can give it back to you and hopefully release all reasons to communicate with you. I took up reading again and I talked to friends. I even took off to the mall several times to buy random things or just to eat for a quick diversion. All of that and all I get in return is a sleepless Sunday night, writing this crap up.

Seriously, I hope I can get my peaceful sleep back. I hope I will not have these thoughts anymore, not tonight or tomorrow or ever. I hope I can pass through my usual way home without thinking of you.

I am allowing myself to mourn, to wallow, to cry my eyes out for the next 2 weeks and round off this mourning period to a month. I really do hope it's sooner but if not, 1 month would be my limit.

After a month, I hope I can at least get back the life I had without you.